Ways of Wendy

Happy Late Thanksgiving (From a Bunch of Turkeys)

2011-11-28T07:52:00.000-08:00

Some Photos

2011-08-17T20:31:00.000-07:00

Amelia must have taken this picture. That is the exact look he gets on his face every time he sees her coming.

C.T. lounging in the baby bouncer - looking like a teenager trying to act cool.

Lily making salsa with Dad. She loves to help with cooking - and eating.

Amelia doing her daily scripture reading. She has a fascination with scriptures and carries them around with her frequently. Apparently she liked this page as she has marked it by folding it over so nicely.

Horseless stagecoach ride, anyone?

Hanging out after church on a Sunday afternoon.

Have I mentioned that Wes is a colicky baby? He cries. And cries. But isn't he cute anyway?

Never too early to try and teach him some moves from "Just Dance Kids" on the Wii, right?


Look at these smiling experts! Could those plastered-on smiles be any bigger? I think these kids are all naturals at my picture pose.

Occupational Hazard

2011-07-25T08:45:00.000-07:00

I have a new blister on my hand today. From my steam mop. Does that seem ridiculous to you? Because it does to me. I know so many people who are fans of the steam mop, but I have to say I am lukewarm about it at best. And the fact that I got a blister from it today didn't help its case. It's so strange that I got a blister. I mean, I've had that thing for over a year. It's not like using it was an uncommon occurrence. A couple of weeks ago I got two enormous blisters from the lawn mower. That I can understand. I haven't used the lawn mower since Amelia was a baby. But blisters from house cleaning? Something that I do routinely? I would have thought I'd have calluses by now. Oh well. I guess I should look on the bright side and be grateful I have soft and delicate hands...

Seperation Anxiety

2011-07-19T23:18:00.000-07:00

It's 1:00 in the morning and I can't bring myself to go to bed. I'm sitting here in the office/baby's room, reading blogs of people I don't even know. Every so often I will hear little grunts and sounds of a squirming little body coming from the sleeping baby in the room. I think that's why I can't leave really.

I want to be with my little baby as much as possible. I spend a whole lot of time lately just hanging out with him. Talking to him, holding him, protecting him from his loving siblings. I don't know why, but tonight especially I just don't want to leave him.

Maybe it's because so many of these random blogs I find are written by women who have had a child die. I think a lot about what it means as a parent to have a child die. I think about how it always feels so out of the ordinary when a child dies, but yet it happens so very often. I remember that it happened even more often not so long ago in history. I reflect on the lives of all of those pioneer women. A woman who had NOT experienced a child's death was certainly the exception then.

I feel so lucky for every day I get with these four of mine. I try not to think about what it would be like without them. But sometimes I just can't help it. It's those times that I find myself in a baby's room at 1 o'clock in the morning, relieved to hear every toss and turn. I dismiss the idea of leaving him for the night to sleep in my own bed, a whole hallway away from him.

Those Days

2011-06-15T10:01:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else with little children ever have one of those days? Those days when you really want to walk into your kitchen, grab all of the fruit snacks and cracker packets and dump them on the table, walk to the freezer and snip open all of the Otter Pops, turn the television on to PBS kids, and go back to bed for the day and let the kids live it up? I was feeling a bit like that this morning. But, I overcame it to an extent and made the little ones blueberry pancakes and made all the beds and made sure they all got dressed and gathered some laundry and fed the baby a couple of times in there, and then I did lay down with my little bundle and take a nap. I LOVE taking naps with babies. Of course that "nap" was interrupted for several reasons including CT needing to know how to make the sound come out of the computer since Dad hooked it up to speakers, Lily wanting me to take the plastic wrappings off of the "Princess and the Frog" DVD that Tyler's mom sent her the other day, and Amelia wanting to know if I had washed her favorite blanket yet, since it got a little damp in the night. I'm sure you can figure out how. I finally fully committed to my day and spent some time on the treadmill and told the kids we were heading out to the swimming pool after lunch. I'm sure the kids will have more fun doing that that than they would just watching PBS kids all day with unlimited snacks...or maybe not. But I'll feel better about myself anyway.

Summer

2011-06-09T05:23:00.000-07:00

Things I Love About Summer:
1) No morning rush to get kids to school.
2) No nighttime rush to get kids to bed.
3) Little tan bodies with bright white behinds.
4) Popsicles for dessert.
5) 98 cent strawberries.
6) Our annual family reunion.
7) Hearing the kids shout "Cannonball!" each time they jump in the pool.

Things I Loathe About Summer:
1) The heat.
2) The humidity.
3) Girls sweaty, straggly hair minutes after you finish putting in the pigtails and cute bows in the first place.
4) The electricity bill.
5) Dealing with wet swimming suits and towels all the time.
6) The heat.
7) The humidity.

Photographic Evidence of Progress

2011-04-01T16:52:00.000-07:00

Hanging out in the NICU under the special light to treat jaundice (with his cool "shades" to protect his eyes).

While in the NICU he looked like this - IV in his head, feeding tube in his nose, etc, etc. Plus he went down to 4 pounds 9 ounces.

Once we got him home he was looking much more comfortable! No tubes, wires, or anything!

He's just still trying to figure out what that whole week with the beeping machines and the bright lights was all about...

P.S. At his 3 week doctor's appointment on Thursday he weighed 6 pounds 10 ounces! That's really good.

He's a Keeper

2011-03-18T14:49:00.000-07:00

So I had a baby last week. Wesley Bisel Brock was born on March 10. (Amelia says "Baby Wes-a-ley") It was a little crazy. I hadn't been feeling my best so I called the nurse at my doctor's office. She said my symptoms sounded like a gallbladder problem and to eat a low fat diet. Luckily, the next day I had a regularly scheduled doctor's appointment. The nurse called me back and checked my blood pressure...thirty minutes later I was all prepped for a C-section waiting to be wheeled into the operating room. I had developed a sudden, apparently severe, case of pre-eclampsia (which, as some of you may know, Tyler refers to only as "some strange disease"). The whole situation really freaked Tyler out at first and he was worried he was going to miss the whole thing rushing to take the girls to play with friends and gather our hospital stuff and meet me there. Once he was there and the operation was started he was quite fascinated and kept standing up and peering over the drape to try and see all of my internal organs laid out all over the place. He said he couldn't ever get a good view. He did managed to see them pull out the baby. We thought it was kind of funny that the doctors kept saying "he was breech too!". It's not like he was ready to be born. He was 36 weeks. He still technically had four weeks left in there. He was still moving all around and not at all in "locked and loaded" position. Anyway - he made it out at a whopping 5 lbs. 6 oz., 19 inches long.

Unfortunately that wasn't quite big enough for his little body to regulate his blood sugars and they took him to the NICU the night he was born. He ended up staying there for a week. We got to bring him home yesterday and it has been more adorable than I could have imagined to see the kids with him. Especially C.T. I told Tyler I wish I could make a video of every time the two of them are together, like their own little reality show. I can't handle the cuteness.

I Don't Get It

2011-02-10T05:44:00.000-08:00

What is it that I don't get? I'll give you some hints:

1) It is animated.
2) It is feature length.
3) It has a lot of big name stars lending their voices to it's characters. (Why does Cate Blanchett always gets roles of ethereal women with long flowing hair? In this case, ridiculously long and ridiculously flowing.)
4) It is a Japanese import.
5) It is supposed to have some greater meaning about harmony or nature or true love or something.

Did you figure it out? It is the movie "Ponyo".

We have a tradition of watching a family movie on Sunday afternoons. As a child my family always watched "Wonderful World of Disney" on Sunday nights and I remember those times fondly. Now we use our handy Netflix to pick one family friendly movie a week. This week I convinced the family to watch "Ponyo" because it was rated "G" and I remember vaguely hearing some good reviews of it a couple of years ago.

For some inexplicable reason, my kids LOVED it. I myself was kind of freaked out by the whole thing. Particularly by Ponyo's parents - the androgynous looking father with the hideous purple bags under his eyes and the bafflingly large aforementioned Cate Balnchett as the mother.

The kids want to watch it every day. I made a rule that they can watch a half hour of it per day. I can't decide if they would grow out of their Ponyo phase faster if I just let them watch the whole thing a couple of times or if I keep up the installment plan.

It's not all bad - the little boy in it has excellent manners that hopefully my children are noticing. Maybe they'll start calling all adults "San" from now on...

Snow Days

2011-02-01T16:38:00.000-08:00

It snowed. They canceled school. It is really, really cold. They canceled school again. I'm unprepared for this. I had plans. Things to do. Projects to work on. CT's birthday is Thursday and I really need to go to the store. CT's birthday party is on Saturday and I really need to go the store. Our driveway is nice and clear behind Tyler's car, but apparently it is a solid sheet of ice behind mine. (I'm taking Tyler's word for this since I didn't step outside once today.) My mom called and told me to make cookies and sit down and read a good book. Well, frankly I'm too tired to make cookies. And I don't have a good book that I haven't already read 9,000 times. (The novelty of our quaint small town library has worn off. I miss having something new to read.) If I could hibernate I believe I would. Just wake me up for my due date.

A Book

2011-01-11T07:29:00.000-08:00

Tyler heard this book review on NPR as he was driving home from work the other day. When he got home he was telling me about it. He wondered if it was something I'd be interested in reading myself. And it was. I ordered it on Amazon as we were still discussing it. The book came the other day, but I refrained from starting it. I was saving it for some time when I really needed a book - like a waiting room or a park watching the kids play or something like that. Yesterday afternoon I decided I might as well read it now. So I did. It's not a long book. I read the whole thing last night.

After reading the reviews I didn't quite know what to expect. It was called "powerful" and "wildly important" and "an enlarging experience". On NPR they alluded to it being entertaining and funny. I'll be honest here - while I read it I wasn't laughing. After I finished I told Tyler that maybe for people who haven't actually lived it themselves this book is all of those things the reviewers said. For me, this book was simply true. Real. I liked the way the writer was able to express much of what I think and feel. I liked reading another woman's account of having a stillborn baby who seemed just as much at a loss of what came next as I was.

I can't resist posting just a sampling of excerpts that I really related to. Here is a passage on missing what you don't have (that could have come out of my journal but instead came from this book):

"He was a person. I missed him like a person. Seeing babies on the the street did not stab me with pain the way I know they stab some grieving women, those who have lost children or simply desperately want to have them. For me, other babies were other babies. They weren't who I was missing. Every now and then a baby could take me by surprise and make me weep...Babies born to mothers who'd been pregnant at the same time as me hurt a little. I didn't mind hearing about them, but I didn't want to meet them...One new mother enfolded me in a hug and said "Oh, Elizabeth, I am so sorry about your baby" - and I just wanted her to leave, because I didn't want to be a good and decent and functioning human being and ask after her baby. Even now I have a hard time with the babies born to friends around our baby's birth. It's not logical, and yet there it is: this one is one month older, this one three weeks younger. But mostly I just missed my own child."

One of the big issues I continue to struggle with is how we all deal with grief, how we offer comfort to others - or not. She had this to say about helping others grieve:

"...you need everyone you know after a disaster, becasue there is not one right response. It's what paralyzes people around the grief-stricken, of course, the idea that there are right things to say and wrong things and it's better to say nothing than something clumsy. I needed all of it...to know that other people were sad made my baby more real. As I was going mad from grief, the worst of it was that sometimes I believed I was making it all up. Here was some proof that I wasn't."

I have to stop myself or I'll end up quoting half the book here, so this is the last one:

"After most deaths, I imagine, the awfulness lies in how everything's changed: you no longer recognize the form of your days. There's a hole. It's person shaped and it follows you everywhere, to bed, to the dinner table, in the car. For us what was killing us was how nothing had changed. We'd been waiting to be transformed, and now here we were, back in our old life."

I'm glad I read this book. I finally feel like here is a woman who would understand me. Who would want to understand me. I'm not quite sure how I would react to this book if I hadn't been through something like it myself...but I feel there is always something valuable about trying to see things from another person's perspective. (If you're interested, my copy is available for borrowing.)

Not So Jolly

2011-01-07T07:34:00.000-08:00

Remember when I told you about the disaster that was visiting Santa at the Ho-Ho-Hoe- Down? Well, I finally have the picture to show you. It cracks me up.

It might be too small to see well, but the icy stare Lily is pulling off is a real classic. C.T.'s isn't far behind. Now I know what to threaten them with if they misbehave around Christmas. "If you do that again I will take you to visit Santa!". That should stop them in their tracks.

Mystery Man

2011-01-03T14:19:00.000-08:00

Today is CT's last day off from school for the "Winter Break" (remember the good old days when we used to call it Christmas Vacation?). I know - it's weird that he starts back up on a Tuesday...today is a teacher work day, kind of easing those teachers back into the daily grind. I actually like it that he has today off. Even though he is kind of crazy and certainly adds an element of chaos to our day I miss him when he's not around.

Anyway, today we ran a couple of errands. First we went to the library to return some items that we have had for three weeks - through no fault of our own I might add. I tried to return them on the day they were due, Dec. 23rd, only to find a sign on the library door saying the library was closed that day. That sign was right next to another sign I'd seen last time we were there that proclaimed the library would be closed the 24th through the 27th for Christmas, and then again on Dec. 31st. Fine. I tried returning them again on Dec. 28th only to find a new sign saying the library was closed that day as well. Fine. I don't mind them being closed for a long holiday - I just wish they would put up one accurate sign before the break starts, or update their voicemail greeting, or post it on the web site, none of which seems to be in their grasp. Finally, today, they were open again.

I told the kids that after the library we would run into Dollar General and check out their Christmas clearance items. I have a hard time paying full price for Dollar Store seasonal items and only ever feel good about the price/quality ratio when the goods are marked 75 percent off or more.

When we go to a store like that I usually let each child pick one item that costs no more than a dollar so they were all excited. The bad part about it is that they take about 45 minutes to choose an item that they will inevitabely forget about or break by the next morning. After much looking and discussing and reminders by me that it "must cost only $1" they each had something in their little hands and we headed to the check out. When we got there the cashier said to me "Oh, that man who just left wanted me to give this to you". And she hands me a bag with an "Ultimate Ninja Elite" action figure in it for CT and two "Glamor Girl and Puppy" sets for the girls. To say the kids were happy about it is an understatement - particularly the boy. As for me, this is the first time in my life I can recall something like this happening to me. I've heard stories like it before, of course. Who hasn't? But it's never actually happened. I was really touched that someone would do something like that. And then I began to worry that my kids looked like underprivileged orphans and I really should have redone their hair before we headed out to do our errands. Then I remembered that my friend had an experience where strangers paid for her family's dinner at IHOP, and her kids never look like orphans, so I took some comfort in that. Did my kids each need a new toy today? No. But they were super excited to get it - and more than that they got to experience first hand the benefits of kindness from strangers. I'm sure it is a story we will tell in our family forever. "Remember the time that man we didn't know bought us each a toy at the store? Just for no reason?". As a mother I am so thankful to that man, not just because he bought my children a toy they like, but because he provided an example of thoughtfulness and reaching out to others, an example of how an unexpected kindness can mean a lot. So thanks, man in the black cowboy hat, for truly making my day.

So Long, Christmas

2010-12-29T15:42:00.000-08:00

I took down our Christmas decorations today. Does that seem early? Tyler thinks it's early. I don't know. I just got to the point where I could hardly stand it. I mean, Christmas was over DAYS ago. Normally I think I do wait until New Year's Day to dismantle it all. I just couldn't wait that long this year. I get very excited to put all of those things up at the beginning of the Christmas season and then this year I got very anxious about getting it all put away when the holiday was over. I think I'm just trying to push time along...when you're waiting for a baby the passage of time is always a big deal. I think I've been thinking in my head that once Christmas is over the due date will be in the foreseeable future, so I'm making Christmas be over.

C.T. said he thinks the house seems strange without the Christmas things. It does have a bit of a bareness compared to the Christmas finery, but it is nice to have change. I like the idea of starting off the New Year without the project of taking down Christmas decorations ahead of me. We'll see what other projects I can cross off of my end of year list before Saturday rolls around...

Flash Mob

2010-12-22T05:47:00.000-08:00

So I've seen a couple of these videos of different flash mobs singing the Hallelujah Chorus in malls and things. I feel a little ridiculous admitting this, but they make me cry. There is just something about it that I find really moving. All of those people, just standing up and spontaneously bursting into song celebrating the Savior...I think to myself wouldn't it be great if all these people participating in these things lived their lives as joyously in celebration of the Savior? If they unashamedly followed his teachings daily the way they so boldly sang his praises in the food court? If we all could keep this much joy and gratitude and awe in our hearts about the Savior more often...that's what Christmas is about, isn't it? Reminding us of things like this. Thanks, flash mobs, for the reminder.

Comfort and Joy

2010-12-20T09:20:00.000-08:00

Today is Day 1 of CT's Christmas Break from school. I just finished making my first batch of cookies for today's Christmas baking. All three kids are upstairs. I have no idea what they are doing...I am hearing a lot of screaming, laughing, and loud banging. A big part of me doesn't want to know what it is they are doing...as long as no one is crying and I don't hear glass breaking I like to tell myself that all is well.

I was so looking forward to the holiday season this year. I was ready for that special Christmas feeling and the cozy traditions and twinkling decorations. Now that it is here I'm having a harder time than I anticipated. For some reason this year I am feeling that it is very unfair that I don't live near anyone in my family, nor any really close friends. I just feel the need to be around people who love me, and I feel sad that it just isn't possible. One of the very best parts of Christmas for me has always been that feeling of togetherness, of gathering. I loved it when my older brother and sister would arrive home for Christmas from college, or come with their families from their various cities as we got older. I loved coming home myself as a young adult and seeing old friends and being enveloped by that sense of belonging that a loving home provides. I find myself wishing that I could just be at my parents house, hearing my mom in the kitchen while I sit at the piano playing songs out of our ancient Christmas songbook and glancing over to see snow falling outside. The doorbell would ring and it would be yet another neighbor or friend bringing a little token of friendship for Christmas - sparkling cider or homemade jam or hand dipped chocolates.

There's that saying "You can't go home again" or something like that...that's the reality of things, isn't it? My parents aren't even at their house. My siblings and I don't gather together for holidays. Dear friends are scattered across the country. And I live here, by none of them.

It's not that I don't love being here with my own husband and children and making memories of our own. It's just that this year I really wish I could revisit some of my Christmas memories and find some comfort and peace.

Ho-Ho-What?

2010-12-15T12:13:00.000-08:00

So last night we went to the Ho-Ho-Ho-Down at CT's school. There was a "sleigh ride" (being pulled on a flat bed by a John Deere tractor around the school parking lot), pictures with Santa (which we had to bribe our kids into doing at all - they each got to pick a book from the Book Fair if they would condescend to let Santa be in a picture with them. Even so they wouldn't get near him and I had to sit on a bench holding them while Santa good-naturedly yet awkwardly stooped behind us. Maybe some day I'll get around to posting that classic), a "Holiday Shop" where they were supposed to buy presents for their family members ($7.00 later they each bought something for their siblings that in actual value totals approximately 57 cents), sugar cookie decorating (where there were signs saying "Thank you State Farm Insurance and Northwast High School for providing the cookies". That made me nervous. I'm not sure I trust high school Home-Ec students to meet food safety standards. I'm not assigning blame here, but I just want to point out that CT did end up throwing up three times during the night following this event...) and of course the Book Fair.

I don't really have much else to say about it, but I wanted to seize the opportunity to write Ho-Ho-Ho-Down. His school is very creative about naming all of their events after a Western theme. Back to School Night was the Parent Round-up. Every six weeks they have an end-of-term awards ceremony and treat day that is called the Boot-Scootin' Celebration. It amuses me to see the creativity of these school personnel. It's quite impressive actually.

In unrelated news, I went to all the trouble of making my kids favorite pumpkin muffins for breakfast this morning...and forgot to put in the sugar entirely. I thought they were still okay with a little honey on them. Lily agreed. CT and Amelia were not so easily swayed. Anybody have any ingenious ideas for how to use up two dozen sugar-free pumpkin mini muffins?

Oh Boy.

2010-11-12T05:00:00.000-08:00

So many of you have probably heard that we are hoping for a baby boy in a few months. The due date is April 1st. I have a hard time just saying "We're having a baby in 4 months", because I know that's not a guarantee. I find myself saying "We hope to" or "We are expecting to". Just a small things that has changed for me.

Anyway, we just found out this week that the baby is a a boy. I think that's good. We have wanted another boy. And I think a boy baby will be a bit easier to bear...a bit less of people assuming he is a "replacement" for our baby girl.

Last fall, we were confident that we wouldn't be needing CT's old outgrown clothes that I had been saving his whole life. So we sold A LOT of them at our neighborhood's annual fall garage sale. The remainder were given away. I thought that I had saved his newborn things from the great sale and give-away, but Tyler told me yesterday that I didn't. I don't remember that, but I sure can't find those two bins of clothes, so he must be right. So, at this moment I am feeling a bit stressed out. I have not one thing for a baby boy. No jammies, no socks, no onsies, no pants and shirts and shorts and jackets. And it's such a bummer because I had SO MUCH of all of that. I kept it for 5 years! And now I don't have it when I need it. So ironic. Tyler is even sad. He told me it would have been fun to see a new baby wearing the same things we have memories of C.T. in. I guess some people would say this is a lucky baby...no hand-me-downs from his big brother! But in a weird way it is just one more thing that reminds me of how terribly our life changed last November and how that has affected every part of our lives in ways that maybe aren't so obvious.

A Different Story

2010-11-07T05:24:00.000-08:00

Yesterday someone told me a story about another woman who lost her baby. Her point in telling me the story was just to say that she never had any experiences with people losing babies, and now she knows tow people in a year who have lost a baby. The thing is that the story she told me stirred up some emotions that are one of the worst parts of this whole experience. Her story was that a woman she knows caught a very serious virus that sent her into premature labor at only 20 weeks. they couldn't stop the labor, so the baby was born and lived for 12 hours. I do not mean to take away from this woman's pain in any way, but hearing this story made me feel two very powerful and unpleasant emotions: anger and jealousy. I was 26 weeks pregnant when my baby died. My baby's chances of survival being born at that stage were over 85%. Her baby was only 20 weeks and LIVED for 12 hours. She gets a birth certificate and a death certificate. She gets to have her baby on the records of the church. There is no question about whether or not she REALLY had a baby, or if that baby "counts" as part of her family. There is no uncertainty on the part of family or friends about if her experience really counts as a real member of the family dying. And those circumstances made me so envious. So jealous of those twelve hours that changed everything for her, whether she realizes it or not.

They Really Did Dress Up

2010-11-03T14:48:00.000-07:00

Do you want to know how many pictures I took of my children in their Halloween costumes this year? Exactly zero. Zero! Can you believe it? I've always said I'm not a picture taker, but now I know I really meant it. Who misses the costume photo-op? And I really have no excuse because they dressed up twice. My parents even called on Skype to see them in their costumes. You'd think that would have jogged my brain into thinking that a photo might be a good idea as well. Oh well. You'll just have to imagine a five-year old batman and two little ballerinas. The girls wore pink leotards and these really cute, really puffy tutus I got for them.. At one event we went to people kept saying, "Look at the cute princesses". Now, I know there are other versions of princess stories besides Disney's, but still, I have never thought of "puffy tutu" as "princess gown". I guess some people do. I didn't even realize I should have taken pictures until Tyler's mom e-mailed us wanting to see pictures of the kids in their costumes and it dawned on me that we didn't have any. I vow to take a picture next year.

So far Amelia has chosen to be whatever Lily is for Halloween every year of her life. We had two Tinkerbell's, followed by two little witches, and then this year the ballerinas. I hope she knows she really can be something different if she wants to be. Lily and Amelia are kind of in a "twin" phase right now. They want to wear the same outfit all the time, and have their hair done the same way. It is fine with me. I think they look cute dressed alike. And it reminds me of me and my sisters who used to wear "twin" things when we were younger also, even though we were four years apart. Of course, it's a challenge to have them be twins, especially in the hair department. Lily's hair is getting some length to it finally, and Amelia has a curly mop that is not long. Lily thought it was hilarious today that her request of "one rubber band" for their hair ended up as a regular ponytail for her and a little side-sprout of a pigtail for Amelia. That's as close to the same as I could get it.

On a personal note, I feel sad today. I feel stressed out about being in charge of our ward Christmas party with no one to help me. I feel like everyone I know is better at being friendly than I am, and as a result I have fewer friends. This is especially hard for me because I feel like in the past I was a very friendly person and it bothers me that I'm not anymore. Also it is November, and I can't help but remember last November and all the things I was looking forward to then and how I had no idea what was coming in just a few weeks. That's all.

Perchance To Dream

2010-09-21T05:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Sleep,

I know we haven't been the best of friends over the years. Especially lately there has been some tension. I don't want to place blame here, but truthfully, I feel like you are never around when I need you.

I realize that there are many times during the day when you try to spend quality time with me and I cut it short, or rebuff you altogether, but it is always with the invitation to come back later. I nearly always reserve a solid eight hours every night just to hang out with you.

I guess turn-about is fair play, huh? I don't let you visit in the day, so you refuse to visit in the night.

Let's work something out, amicably. I really don't want to have to call in the mediator. Her name is Unisom and I hear she usually favors people like me over you. If things get really serious I can call a guy I know who has a friend named Ambien. This is not a threat. I'm just saying...I'd really like to spend more time with you. During the night. Tonight would be good for me. See you then?

Sincerely,

Me

Something That Made Me Laugh

2010-09-14T10:02:00.000-07:00

http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/2010/08/perfectly-punctual.html

The Mall

2010-09-06T05:50:00.000-07:00

I was watching a bit of the news this morning and on comes a commercial for Macy's Labor Day Sale. Suddenly I am seized by a longing to shop at a mall. I have not shopped at a mall for...years. Seriously. And this is quite something, because it is not an exaggeration to say that when I was a singleton I went to the mall at least once a week for some serious shopping. I mean, I bought things and everything.

I know people will tell you avoiding malls is not unusual. It's just a Kohl's, TJMaxx, Target kind of world now. I don't avoid malls because I don't like them. I avoid them because things cost more there. And I have children. Malls are a terrible place for children. On the one hand, they are very non-child focused. All of those racks of clothes at the perfect height to crawl under and through make it extremely difficult to find children who have discovered them. The whole fine china department right in the middle of everything always tempts them to touch things. So many clothes for moms to look at and try on with nothing but the occasional full length mirror to distract a child. And then, in other ways, they are TOO child friendly. All of those sculpted foam play areas where kids can climb on germ-infested giant-sized snack foods. All of those random islands of candy machines in the middle of walkways. (Which I unashamedly told my children were not really for sale, but merely a creative display to look at.) And worst of all, those areas of coin-operated "rides" where you can pay seventy-five cents to spend one minute being jerkily rocked in a plastic bulldozer.

Yes, I have very good reasons for no longer shopping at malls - but today I wanted to. If you go to the mall today, look for me in Macy's. Maybe I'll leave the littles at home with Tyler (on his birthday! What a treat for him!) and head to the mall. You know, just for old time's sake. I wouldn't have to actually buy anything, right?...

Paving The Way

2010-09-02T10:26:00.000-07:00

Watching C.T. grow up, I have to tell you that I admire you firsties more and more. I've never really thought much about what it is like to be the oldest child in a family. I've never considered how it would be to always have to do things that you have never seen any other sibling in your family do.

C.T. started kindergarten last week. He absolutely loves it. Still, there was some trepidation leading up to it and riding the bus for the first time was not all smooth sailing (He cried for about 30 seconds, until the doors closed, and then the driver said he was perfectly fine). He has adjusted beautifully and is like a fish in water. Lily cannot wait to join him next year. And I think how lucky she is to be able to start her school years with her brother by her side. She will always have that, and C.T. never will. He will always have to do things first, and alone. I have gained a new appreciation for that role in a family. I have a new respect for all first-borns.

So thanks to my brother for forging the way in our family and taking on so many new experiences. Your example made me think I could do absolutely anything I wanted to - take on any adventure, because you did. And thanks to my sweet C.T. Pumpkin, who is doing the same for his sisters.

Reading Woes

2010-08-18T08:00:00.000-07:00

What happened to all the good books? I've grown weary of adult literature. I haven't purely enjoyed a book in a long time. I've read lots of books that are well written, that are interesting, that I learn things from, that provoke thinking...but nothing truly engaging, if you know what I mean. Nothing that makes me want to immerse myself in the world of the book the way I felt about stories from my childhood. Is it impossible for a book you read as an adult to stir those same emotions just because we are adults? I hope not. Where oh where is a book that makes me want to discover wild violets in a buffalo wallow on the Dakota Prairie with Laura? To constantly write my thoughts in a notebook and drink a real New York Egg Cream with Harriet? To clomp down Klickitat Street on coffee can stilts with Ramona? To live in a lake front high rise and solve a mystery with Turtle? To belly crawl across the Alaskan tundra hunting for food with Julie?

I've looked for fun and frivolity in adult fiction. I've read Bridget Jones's Diary. I've read the Shopaholic books. I've probably read all of the British chick lit my libraries have to offer. It is fun. But it doesn't make me want to live like those women.

I've looked for community and coziness in adult fiction. I've read the Mitford books and enjoyed them tremendously. But I don't want to live in Mitford.

I've looked for adventure and richness of place in adult literature. I like reading escapist travel books like "A Year in Provence" and "Under the Tuscan Sun", but the authors of those books don't live as characters that come to feel like friends in my mind.

I'm guess I'm just nostalgic. It must be like Meg Ryan's character Kathleen says in "You've Got Mail" - "I started helping my mother here after school when I was six years old. I used to watch her, and it wasn't that she was selling books, it was that she was helping people become whoever they were going to turn out to be. When you read a book as a child it becomes part of your identity in a way that no other reading in your life does."

I am so grateful for the great books I read as a child. So grateful for the funny and smart and sympathetic authors who thought to write them. I'm hopeful it's still possible to find books like that as an adult. My search for new books to call friends continues.

The Lost

2010-08-17T09:50:00.000-07:00

I wake up several times a night and have a very hard time going back to sleep. The house is still, quiet, and dark. My mind is not. It is busy, busy, busy, thinking of my Lost One.

I went through a phase not long ago when using the euphemism "lost" to mean "dead" was really offensive to me. I didn't like the implication of "lost". That it somehow meant I "misplaced" her, or in some way was responsible for her death by not paying enough attention to where she was so that she could just wander away and become "lost". I just didn't like it.

Now, with some time, I am able to accept the intention behind the phrase and agree with it's true sentiment. My baby girl is lost to me. I have lost the chance to know her. And it is a lot to lose. I feel it every day. It is so obvious to me, the hole in our family where she is, but isn't. I miss her. I miss her deep in my soul. You may think the missing wouldn't be there since I don't really KNOW her. Which of your children would you not miss having the chance to know? Just pick one. After all, that's all I'm missing. Just one. One is lost.

Well, That's A First

2010-07-21T06:14:00.000-07:00

About twenty minutes ago Lily came up to me and said "Amelia is locked in the bathroom!" Sure enough, the door to our downstairs bathroom was closed and locked, and by the amount of knocking and sobbing coming from the other side it was clear that Amelia was indeed locked in. I felt a bit frantic, because I don't know how to open our locks from the other side. Also, she was in there in the dark. She was not in any state to find the stool and turn on the light in the dark. I can only imagine how horrified I would have been at the age of two to have that happen to me.

Now, our locks are not the push button kind - they are the turning kind. I've heard it is possible to unlock them by sticking a little screwdriver in there and turning it, but I've never been successful with that. I tried calling a couple of my neighbors with children that I'm pretty sure would have faced this situation before, but I guess no one was up for facing a call from me at 7:40 am. That left me with my tried and true strategy for any crisis - I called my parents. It was a last resort because it is an hour earlier in Utah, and I know 6:40 in the morning is not their preferred wake-up hour, but I was desperate.

I was worried about removing the door knob because it seems like I'd heard some stories about how removing the doorknob is a bad thing to do and can make it impossible to open the door. Anyway, with my dad's encouragement, I did remove the door knob on my side, and then used a screwdriver to twist the lock and then got the door open by pulling the rod tight and turning it to set Amelia free. I tried putting the removed part of the door knob back on, and I did, but I can't get the screws to tighten more than half an inch or so. Oh well. At least the door knob is functional, if a little loose. I'll leave that last part of the project for Tyler so he can feel a part of the whole adventure. (Especially since he didn't answer his phone either.)

Breakfast Anyone?

2010-07-19T04:51:00.000-07:00

I always say that having a cupcake for breakfast is no different than having a muffin. A cookie works also, especially since mine most often contain oatmeal.. And since I think it's really unfair to tell your kids they can't have something they have just seen you eat, there has been more than one occasion when a cupcake or a cookie was featured on their breakfast menu. Now that I'm a mom, I do draw the line somewhere though. Ice Cream, candy - not breakfast items. (This was not my rule when I was in graduate school. In those two years I had Turkey Hill Chocolate Peanut Butter Ice Cream or a handful of Peanut M&Ms for nearly every meal. I do not kid. I don't know why all of my hair didn't fall out due to lack of nutrients. I also don't know why I didn't weigh 400 pounds, but I guess you can do that kind of thing when you are 22.) Another item most definitely not on the list of approved breakfast items - popsicles. I added this one after coming downstairs the other morning to find all three kids already down here by themselves, happily watching PBS kids and sampling a variety of flavors of popsicles that were all melting into a colorful array of very sticky puddles all over the kitchen table and dripping onto the floor. Honestly, not my favorite way to start a day. Although I do know from prior experience that it could be worse. Oh, yes. It could be worse. The "We frosted our own brownies! " morning was definitely a more intense clean-up.

Keeping It Simple?

2010-07-15T07:04:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been wondering about some of the new trends that appear to be cropping up in the mothering world. It seems to me that people are making it REALLY complicated. I tend to think it's because it helps women feel validated that staying home is a hard job when it requires complex strategies and training sessions to do properly. I'm not opposed to sharing tips and tricks for running a household or raising children, but really, are things like this necessary?:

This is a photo from a presentation at a motherhood retreat - which I just read about on-line and did not attend - of how to be organized as a mom or something. Seriously? Folders and filing systems and charts and calenders...it makes it seem like to have any hope of having a basically happy family and a basically presentable home you have to attack it and strategize about it like it was the storming of Omaha Beach or something.

I'm just not like that. I'm just barely starting to consider the idea of investing in the Family Wall Calender for our kitchen. I have no day-planner. I don't keep a calendar on the computer or my phone or anywhere else. I don't even have a small spiral bound "memo" notebook in my purse full of lists like my mom did. As the kids get older and their schedules get busier I'm sure I'll find use for some of those things. But I really don't ever envision a time when I feel I am most effective as a mother only if I have a color-coded filing system housed in designated filing cabinets to manage all of my conjured up responsibilities.

Maybe I'll think differently in the next few years as we embark on the "school years" and I'll be frantically trying to enroll myself in a bunch of Motherhood Retreats to learn to prioritize science fairs and bake sales and home decorating projects. It's possible. I just can't picture it now. I guess I'm just not putting enough into this mothering thing. I mean, I can remember the things on today's to-do list without my color-coded flashcards:

1) Do Laundry
2) Change water in Goldfish Bowl
3) Buy Lily new sneakers and CT a new white dress shirt
4) Change Lily's sheets for the 5th time in the last week and a half due to an unexplainable new propensity for bed-wetting
5) Get a baby shower gift together for a shower tonight
6) Do Grocery store run for milk, which Amelia has suddenly decided she loves to drink (the only of my kids to ever drink plain milk once they passed the bottle stage!)

Look at that! I made a list! I'm so organized. Although, I'm sure I'd be able to accomplish my tasks so much more effectively and be more loving as a mother if only I had an expandable file with tabs for everyday of the week and doubled the number of to-do list items...

Fireworks on the Fourth

2010-07-05T06:20:00.000-07:00

We took it easy on the 4th of July this year. Since it was a Sunday we didn't have any kind of a big party. Tyler loves to light a few fireworks though, so he bought some last week to light with the kids last night. Lighting fireworks is illegal in the city limits of Fort Worth. In years past we have lit off a few in the street in front of our house anyway. This year Tyler thought he should set a better example for the kids since they know what "illegal" means (thanks to Tyler's propensity to draw the attention of police officers monitoring motorists speed, but that's another story). He called our local fire department to find out where it was legal to light them and they gave him directions to some land northwest of our house. We drove out there at about 8:45 last night and were met with a sight we were not expecting and had never experienced before - the "Park and Pop" fireworks field. It was a big open field rimmed with cars. In the center fifty people or more were all lighting fireworks at once - fountains that stayed on the ground, Roman candles that went shooting up, and big, bursting fireworks high up in the sky. It was CRAZY. The air hung heavy with gunpowder smoke, pieces of ash were falling out of the sky, and the fireworks display was insanely massive. Frenetic.

I've never seen fireworks from that vantage point before - meaning I've never had a huge aerial firework explode exactly over my head and rain ash on me before. It was something. It truly felt like we were in a war zone. Things were whistling through the air on your right and left and exploding all around you. Tyler kept saying "This is crazy! I LOVE Texas!" It was all too much to take in really. I was quite impressed with how well the kids did with all the noise and smoke.

We stayed for about 30-40 minutes. People just kept on arriving. They would unload their cars with cooler and camping chairs and several large cardboard boxes of fireworks and make their way to the edge of the launch area. Who knows how long this went on after we left. By the volume of explosives these people were showing up with it could have gone on all night. There we were with the kids in their pajamas, me in a dress, and Tyler in his white shirt and suit pants in the midst of these people. We felt a little out of place with our measly paper bag of sparklers, smoke bombs, and tiny fountains. We obviously were new to the scene.

I think for me it was one of those only-need-to-see-it-once kind of experiences. I'll take my fireworks displays in a less "interactive" setting next year, thank you very much. Maybe we'll just park across the street from the "Park and Pop" and enjoy the madness from a distance (while listening to the requisite Neil Diamond and Lee Greenwood fireworks accompaniment on the radio, of course).

That's Entertainment?

2010-07-01T06:44:00.000-07:00

I just read this book:

Mary Poppins by P.L. Travers.

I've read quite a few children's classics as an adult, and many of them I have loved, like Peter Pan. This one though, was not what I expected.

I've seen the Disney movie many times, of course. It kind of has special meaning to me because Tyler and I watched it the night we got engaged - he picked it because I told him once that some of my friends from home liked to compare me to Mary Poppins. He sweetly said that it was an excellent comparison because we were both "practically perfect in every way". (DOn't ask him if he still thinks so).

Now, no matter what you may think of the present incarnation of the Disney Corporation, I hope none of you will dispute the fact that Walt Disney was a genius and did quality work with great creativity. The movie Mary Poppins is almost immeasurably better than this book, in my opinion. I don't know who wrote the movie, but they deserve an Oscar. They took the very basic essence of the character and made her a thousand times better. In the book Mary Poppins is frankly not very likable and not very kind. I am just amazed that the Disney people were able to turn this book into the quality entertainment that is the Mary Poppins film. It isn't very long - read it and see if you agree with me.

While I'm in a critiquing frame of mind - let's talk about this Will Smith movie: Seven Pounds.

Tyler and I watched it last weekend not knowing a thing about it. After watching it it was clear why we hadn't heard much about this movie. I know some of you out there (Katie) are devoted to Will Smith, but I think this is one movie in his repertoire that is better ignored. First of all, it barely looked like Will Smith in much of this movie. Sometimes I wondered if they were using a double for whole scenes. Strange. Second, the story was so poorly told. The whole idea had potential, but it just wasn't very interesting. They tried to keep you in suspense, but really the lack of information about the back story just made it confusing rather than intriguing.

I guess it just wasn't my week for entertainment - a disappointing movie and book. But, thanks to Netflix and my local library I have a good chance of improving my luck.

A Date in Dakota

2010-06-21T05:05:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago Tyler was roaming around on the internet. He looks up and asks me "Hey, would you like to go to a musical at Bass Hall?". This was big news because first of all we hardly ever go out on a "date". Also, Tyler is a person who goes to musicals for three reasons:
1) We are in New York
2) I have procured the tickets for free through Free Night of Theater.
3) One of his immediate family members is in a local production.
Since this instance fell under none of those categories, I was more than curious. What musical possibly prompted him to make this suggestion all on his own? Well, here is the answer, friends:

Little House on the Prairie: The Musical! Knowing of my great love for almost all things Laura (no thanks, network TV miniseries ten years ago), especially the books, Tyler thought I might be a tad intrigued by this offering. And he was right. ( I was equally intrigued by his willingness to go with me and actually pay full price for these tickets...a man of surprises, that Tyler.) One last intriguing aspect: see that smaller caveat that says "with Melissa Gilbert as Ma"? That is certainly something isn't it? I had no idea the buck-toothed television Half-Pint could sing!...

So, Sat. June 12th saw us driving to Fort Worth's bright white art-deco inspired Bass Performance Hall.

(Photos of the Bass exterior and lobby)

Side-note: We'd never been there before and someone had told us it was fun to go there and just appreciate the building. And it is a nice building. They constructed in in the mid-nineties, when I was in college. It still looks new and shiny. The thing is, we just went to Europe last month. Specifically to Vienna. The style there is just a tad more...opulent. And old.

(Photos of the Vienna Opera House, Interior and exterior)

Now, back to the show, as it were.

I view going to theater productions to be in the same league as placing bets in Vegas. You just never know if you are going to get a gem that you love or something that you are going to love to mock. Sometimes there are clues. For example, positive word of mouth is generally a pretty good clue that it will be good. A musical that you have never heard of is a risk that sometimes pays off enormously, as it did when my parents and I saw "Jane Eyre" in New York and I love, love, loved it. Even my Dad enjoyed the whole thing, which is really monumental. So, just because I'd never heard of this musical didn't concern me too much, I knew I could love it or not, so it's obscurity didn't qualify as a clue to me. However, I do advise you to add one more circumstance to your list of clues: when it is a musical you've never heard of, with an actor that everyone has heard of as a headliner who has no musical background, take it as a sign that the only way the producers could get anyone in the doors to see this thing is if they use the TV Laura as bait. That's what she was, pure and simple. Something to lure an audience in, and then trap them there.

And in case you wondering if she missed her calling by not releasing some singles and doing a Miley Cyrus as a teen-television star, let me assure you, she did not. She wasn't a horrible singer, but she wasn't a Singer, if you know what I mean. Randy Jackson would certainly say that her performance was "pitchy". She seemed a bit terrified of her singing parts, but she held it together and nothing totally embarrassing happened to her. If I were her, I would definitely be more embarrassed about that strange accent and high pitched tone she was speaking with. It was extremely odd. I think she was trying to reinvent Ma, and took the fact that Caroline was born and raised in Wisconsin as a sign that she should do one of those broad "Wisconsin" accents. It did not work for her.

Something that certainly did not work for us were the songs. The lyrics were truly, truly awful Let me quote directly the chorus of one of the main songs (there were basically three songs in this show that would spin out time and time again. The program was loaded with things like " My Prairie Home...My Prairie Home Reprise...My Prairie Home Finale".) Here are the lyrics that pretty much killed Tyler:

"It's almost like I'm flying! But not really! But almost!"

I am not kidding. I did not change one word of that phrase. They sang that. Time and time again. Trust me I heard it enough to be sure of the words.

So, to sum up, if the touring company of "Little House on the Prairie: The Musical" comes through your town you'll have to decide how much an evening with Melissa Gilbert in a less than stellar production is worth to you. For me, a night out with my husband and bonding over the absurditity of it all was worth it. Definitely worth it.

A Little Jaunt

2010-05-25T09:09:00.000-07:00

In case you've been missing me, I've been out of the country.

Any guesses as to where we were?

We went to visit Tyler's brother, Landon, who is stationed in Bamberg, Germany with the army. Europe in May is a beautiful thing. (As I can attest is Europe in November. Europe in August however - a whole different thing, and only for the very desperate, or those backpacking on a college break as I was.)

We went on a big driving trip from Frankfurt to Southern Bavaria to see beautiful castles in a truly fairytale-like setting in the Bavarian Alps. We continued on to Salzburg, Austria, and saw a lot of places you Sound of Music Sing Along fans would have recognized (two of these are in photos above - the rearing pegasus with the steps behind is one of the locations from the Doe-Rae-Mi montage in the film, and of course the gazebo that was a prop from the film that the studio donated to the city after filming. Sadly, it was locked. I don't blame them. The liability of injuries from all those failed leaps but out of shape tourists would be too great.). We pushed on to Vienna for a day and marveled at the vastness of the Summer Palace and it's grounds. After a somewhat harrowing night-time drive on mountain roads through Slovakia to Poland we reached Krakow. I felt a sense of homecoming at being in Eastern Europe again, but Tyler didn't feel quite the same joy as I did. I can say this - either Poland is a whole lot nicer than Romania, or a lot has changed in Eastern Europe in the last fourteen years. I assume it's the time lapse that has made things nicer. I'm sure when I go to Romania again I will see for myself that times have changed there too, which kind of makes me sad. Krakow was full of American styles malls and mega-supermarkets. It makes me a bit sad to thin that Romania is the way now. Maybe someday I'll see for myself. (By the way, if anyone reading this is a mssion friend, I brought back a small stash of Seven Days Crossiants with me - big chocolate filled ones and a bag of little spumante filled ones. On our Krakow day all I ate was one bag of mini Seven Days chocolate filled crossiants and a kids drink box of peach nectar. I felt like a missionary all over again!) So, after a memory inducing day in Krakow it was on to the Auschwitz concentration camps, which is why we put Poland on our itinerary in the first place. The visit there was such a learning experience and something that I am glad to have done. I thought I knew quite a bit about concentration camps and the holocaust, but there was more to know. It was moving and really left me thinking. My visit there and the things I felt still keep me up at night sometimes. A professor who is holocaust expert was part of a discussion group on a PBS documentary about Auschwitz that I recently watched. The discussion leader asked"What can we learn from the holocaust?" and he answered "Nothing. There is nothing to learn from it. It has nothing to teach us. Once you see a lesson in the holocaust, it is a small step to seeing a silver-lining, and then another step to rationalization." At first I was a bit taken aback by his response, but the more I thought about it, I could see what he was saying.

Finally we headed back to Bamberg. And then a day trip to Nurnberg. And a stop in Weisbaden. I think that about covers it.

We were gone for nine days. Thankfully my parents were able to fly to Texas to stay with these three mites:

Thanks to Landon for his persistence in repeatedly inviting us and for driving us around everywhere. If you don't take advantage of having a relative living overseas, then there's really not much hope that you'll ever go, is there? I certainly don't think we would have ever visited Bamberg, Germany if not for Landon living there, and it is a gem of city. After all we saw on our trip, the little town of Bamberg was one of the best sights we saw.

We're not going anywhere again for awhile - next trip isn't until August when we go to Yellowstone for my family's annual group vacation. Already looking forward to it!

The Amazing Race

2010-04-14T11:17:00.000-07:00

How about we lighten this up for awhile with some mindless TV? Sound good? Here we go!

So Gina got me back into watching The Amazing Race by introducing me to The Cowboys this season. I haven't watched The Amazing Race since the Reiken (sp?) season, years ago. I'm watching all the episodes on-line that I missed this season to catch me up to these final legs of the race coming up. Some thoughts:

1) I kinda love Jeff and Jordan. I actually think they are super fantastic. I wish I could be more like Jeff. He is so able to not take things too seriously. He totally realizes that Jordan has her...umm....limitations, and just accepts it and encourages her without being mean. He is just really good-natured. She is sweetly ditzy. Did you see the clip they showed of the Big Brother finale? She was walking through a crowd of people congratulating her and she looked like she had no idea why she was there or what all those crazies were yelling about. Someone should tell her she won a lot of money already. I loved the clip where she admitted she didn't know how to tell time "with clocks" and that the phrase "a quarter 'til" was a mystery to her. She just goes through life in her oblivious way, which is kind of endearing.*

2) I like Dan and Jordan a bit less after watching the first episodes. I liked them quite a bit before I went back to the beginning. I guess that's my punishment for not watching from the first, in order. If I had, I'd be liking them more and more as time went on instead of backtracking to not-so-much like I am now.

3) I wonder how that grandmother's other grandchildren feel after hearing her say that Shannon is the grandchild she knows the best and respects the most. Way to dispel the "you're all my favorites" myth.

4) I haven't Wikipedia'd it or anything yet, and I'm sure this information is readily available. But every time Phil speaks I always am plagued with the question "Where is this guy from? What combination of accents is that?". I'm expecting something really incongrous, like he was raised in South Africa by a Japanese mother and a French father and had a nanny from New Jersey. It reminds me of a woman I met in grad school who spoke with a British accent even though she grew up mostly in Arizona and then lived in the middle east for years. My friend asked her about it once and she readily stated that she had never lived in Britain. She adopted that accent intentionally, because she felt people ~~would pay more attention to her~~ could understand her more clearly if they thought she was British.

*Note to Brent and Caite: It is possible to be educationally challenged and endearing. It helps if you are not mean. And if you don't have a shifty-eyed, slow spreading evil grin, Caite. And if you don't have a perpetual air of indignance about being underestimated, Brent. And take it from all of us, that's anonymous.

You Can't Win

2010-03-03T05:58:00.000-08:00

I've always like poems. I have no talent at writing them, but almost everyone else in the world seems to be able to. There are a lot of poems circulating around the stillbirth support groups. I read this one the other day and just thought to myself "Yes! That is EXACTLY it." If you want some insight into the mind and heart of me right now, here it is:

You Can't Win With Me

You can't win with me

If you say to me " How are you doing?" with such sympathy and meaning in your voice.
I reply "I'm fine" and brush you off,
because to talk about my loss with you today is just too painful.

If you see me and don't mention the loss that is consuming my thoughts,
I think you don't care enough, or are too scared to mention it
for fear that you might upset me.
You can't win with me.

If you say "I'm sorry your baby died," it is hard for me to reply to that.
What do you expect me to say?
I want to say "I'm sorry too!" or "It's awful"
I want to scream "its not fair"
But I won't because I don't want to upset myself today, not in front of you.
So I reply "Thank-you".

That thanks means so much more than that.
It means thanks for caring,
thanks for trying to help,
thanks for realising that I'm still in pain.

If you don't know what to say to me that's okay because I don't know
what to say to you either.
If you see me smile or laugh don't assume I must have
forgotten my baby for the moment,
I haven't, I can't, I never will.

Tell me that I look good today.
I will know what you mean
I'm getting good at picking up unspoken cues from you.
If you see me and think I look upset or sad, you are probably right.
Today might be an anniversary day for me,
or some event might have triggered
a wave of grief in me.

If you don't say anything I'll think you don't care about me,
but if you do say something, I might act like I don't want to talk about it..
You could try asking if I want to talk, but don't be surprised if I say no.
You can't win with me.

Don't give up on me, please don't give up.
I need your attempts however feeble, however trite you might feel they are
I need your thoughts.
I need your prayers.
I need your love.
I need your persistence.

I need all that but most of all I need to be treated normally,
like it used to be before all this happened.

But I know its impossible.
That carefree, naive person is gone forever,
and I am mourning that loss too.
So you can't win with me.

Written by Jane Warland 1996

Be Mine

2010-02-16T09:57:00.000-08:00

My Baby,

I don't know anything about you really.

I don't love you for your personality, or your looks, or your attitude. I don't know any of those things about you. I love you because you were mine.

Someday I hope to know all of those other things about you. To know if you are incredibly observant like C.T., packed with spunk like Lily, or caring and affectionate like Amelia. To see again that sweet little body - the face with the nose that reminds me of your sister Lily and the toes that looked like mine.

But for now, you were mine and I was yours and that is enough to make me love you for the rest of my life (and longer).

-Your Mom

This Girl

2010-02-10T08:20:00.000-08:00

Back in the winter of 2006 I had a very clear message put into my mind to have another baby. Right away. And so we did. And we got this girl:

Amelia Rose. (This is a picture from about a year ago.)

She has been a joy to me in a unique way.

When she was still a baby I started following some blogs written by women who had recently had small children die. I was drawn to these blogs...I cried reading them and would think about what these women were going through and wonder why I was so compelled to check in on them. I started to get quite worried that the reason I felt drawn to these stories is because something was going to happen to my Amelia - that I would lose her. It was a very real fear and I felt anxiety about it. Once she reached about 18 months those fears receded and I no longer felt that way.

Now it turns out that the fears I had about losing my girl were real, but misplaced. I was worrying about the wrong girl.

I have often reflected lately on that feeling I had to "have another baby, right now" and wondered if I got that prompting so that Amelia would be here with me now as I go through my struggle. Since she was born the song I sing most to her is "You Are My Sunshine". That is very true of her. She lightens me when all my skies are gray. She brings me immense comfort. She is a joy.

Her birthday is the same day I had her little sister. Those two girls will always be linked in my mind. There is much that they share. I can't help but think how lucky the each would have been to be able to grow up with one another as sisters.

People talk about finding comfort in the possibility of raising children who have died in the millennium, but honestly, I don't feel that comforted. Even if it turns out to be true for me, my children will not be able to grow up together. C.T. and Lily and Amelia wont be able to have memories of her as children together.

Lily is almost exactly the same age as I was when my little sister was born. I remember so much about when Sally was a baby. I remember "helping" to take care of a baby. Lily would have been so great at that. So great. She would have loved it so much. This would have the been the only sibling she remembered as a baby. Same for C.T. for that matter. This wold have been the one they actually remembered. I am sad about the opportunity they have lost. The opportunity we all have lost.

I think Amelia has brought great comfort to C.T. and Lily also. She is kind of our family mascot right now. I don't know all the reasons why I felt I should "have a baby, right now", but I'm so glad I did. I know Amelia is meant to be with us, and we are all so, so grateful.

Quote

2010-01-08T07:06:00.000-08:00

I like to check in on a couple of blogs of mothers who have lost children. One of them is "A Daily Scoop" by Stephanie Waite in Las Vegas. She wrote a post recently that included this statement:

"There is a sense of failure that comes from losing a child. It devastates your self image as a mother. No matter how they died, there is a sense that you failed to keep them alive. That is built into your DNA - Keep them alive. To fail at that, even if it was out of your hands or you know it was God's will for them to go at this time, is devastating."

So true.

Foothills and Valleys

2010-01-04T10:23:00.000-08:00

I know the usual phrase is "Peaks and Valleys", but I can't say that I've made it to anything close to a peak yet. I have managed the foothills though. Sometimes I don't stay there for long before I find myself on the downward slope to the valley again. Last week I would say I was at one of the lowest places in that valley, but this week I am striding up to the foothills again. That's how it goes, up and down, up and down. So, sometimes I may write about the view from the valley floor, and sometimes the outlook may be more broad. I hope you don't mind when I describe the scene down low - I don't want to keep it completely to myself, but I also don't want you to think that I have lost hope of ever climbing out. I don't know what this journey is going to look like for me. I just take it how it comes. I'm not going to pressure myself to feel happy, or say that I feel at peace with my life. Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don't.

A Tight Space

2010-01-02T08:54:00.000-08:00

I feel the way I think people with claustrophobia must feel. My chest tightens. Breathing takes thought. The world around me looks surreal. I concentrate to keep myself from breaking into tiny shards of myself. I feel this way not when faced with an elevator or a room with no windows, but when I open eyes in the morning and am faced with life. Nearly every second of the day I feel this way. And I think, "This is crazy. Surely this can't be. Surely none of this real." And many times a day I realize that, yes, it is real. This is it. This is life now. My life is a tight space. I can't breathe in it. And sometimes, I don't even want to.

So I live each day, telling myself that really breathing is not optional and I need to just do it. So I do. And lots of people think I am fine. And I am fine. Fine. People can live like this. I can live like this. I have to.

Gift

2009-12-11T06:33:00.000-08:00

I am giving myself an early Christmas gift. I am giving myself permission to feel whatever comes and then LET IT GO.

That may involve writing about it. Between this blog and my journal I have saved hundreds of dollars in counseling fees.

So, what I'm saying is, I may write about things that are making me sad or mad at that moment, but I'm writing it to let it out - to not have to hold on to it anymore. That includes my recent feeling of thinking that no one is my friend. I'm letting that go. It is a very real feeling, but it does me no good to hold on to it. So I've decided to assume that everyone is really my friend and would talk to me if they knew how and just move on. The end.

Words

2009-12-09T09:21:00.000-08:00

A simple question like "how are you?" is so much harder to answer now. I want to be truthful. The answers I have been using don't feel all that truthful. I say:
"Fine" (That is not really true)
"Okay" (Not really true either)

So, what is true? In my search for words I find some to be more fitting than others. In those first few days the only word I could think of to answer this question that sounded true was "heartbroken".

These days I think of the word "bereft". It makes me think of "adrift", which is accurate too.

Of course, there is always "sad", which is more often than not true. I still cry at least twice a day, but it is not always as intense as it was in the beginning.

Even though I don't really know how to answer the "how are you?" question, I would still appreciate being asked by someone who was willing to get the real answer. I feel like when people ask me this, they are just waiting for the "fine" or the "okay". They don't really want to get into it. Most people don't ask me anything at all. In fact, most people don't talk to me at all. Or, if they do, it is a brief conversation about something else with a total avoidance of the most obvious topic. It hurts my feelings to have people talk to me without ever saying anything about this situation. It is painful to have people pretend like nothing ever happened - because something happened. Something big happened. When they ignore that, it feels like they are marginalizing the whole experience and its implications to my future. It feels so lonely, and frankly makes me feel angry. If I know someone has experienced a major loss I hope I won't go on as normal around them, acting like nothing happened and assuming that they can carry on life as usual. There is no life as usual for me anymore. I feel as if I have changed forever, and I don't know what the new me is like at all. I just know I don't want to be the same. In some way, not being normal is the only way I can acknowledge my baby who is not with us. No one else seems to want to acknowledge it, so it is left to me to act differently, to change, to show the world outwardly that I am no longer the same inside because if I don't they will never remember. They will never realize that she was here, and now she's gone, and it is so very real to me.

Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T06:30:00.000-08:00

I am thankful to be able to type this without worrying that my tears were going to splash all over the keyboard and ruin our computer. I can actually type without crying so much that I can't see.

I am thankful that I have three adorable children who are with me everyday.

I am thankful that I got to see the one adorable little child who will not be with me for a long time.

I am thankful for Tyler who loves me so well, in all circumstances that life has brought us so far.

I am thankful to know that while so many things are out of my hands, they are in someone else's hands. She is in someone else's hands. And although I wish those hands were mine, if they can't be, I am glad they are His.

Something Every Day

2009-11-24T05:40:00.000-08:00

I just went in the spare room to help CT find something and I saw a little book I had gotten for Amelia for her birthday that I forgot about. It is called "I'm A Big Sister". When will there be a day when I don't cry so many times? C.T. said to me "Mom! Enough of this crying! You don't like crying, remember?". Yes, I do remember. But I don't know what else to do with this sadness.

I Know, I Know

2009-11-21T04:51:00.000-08:00

"Losing a baby happens to so many people." " It is actually very common to lose a baby." True. I know that. But see, it's not common for me. And I'm not thinking about losing "a baby". I thinking about this baby. I am sad because I will not know her, not because she was a baby, but because she was her. I am sad to miss out on who she might have been. Truthfully, I am very surprised at how hard this is. I can't imagine this being a real part of my life forever, and yet it is. I keep posting about it because writing about it is so much easier than talking, and then if anyone is interested they can just read this instead of asking me in person. So far this grieving process has been just like everyone says it is. It comes in waves. I'll be fine for a long time and then crash, I'll fall apart. That's why I'm so reluctant to be around people. I don't want to be fine and then suddenly fall apart in groups of people. I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable. It's only been a few days. How will I make it through thousands more? Time heals, right? But time is such a slowpoke.

Update

2009-11-20T08:40:00.000-08:00

Well, it's 27 hours after checking in at the hospital yesterday and I just got home. Everything went all right.

The nurse told me that it looks like it was an umbilical cord accident...the cord was wrapped around the baby's neck 4 times and it had a knot in it. She was 1 lb. 8 oz. and 13 inches long. I wanted to see her, so I did. So tiny. A miniature, miniature baby. A cute little nose, just like my other babies...a profile I will remember. Tiny feet with a longer second toe, just like me. I felt sad, of course, but I also felt peaceful seeing her. I'm very glad I did see her. They give a "memory box" with photos and footprints, etc., which I told the nurse I did not want to have. I have her in my mind, I don't a box sitting on a shelf to stumble across at odd times to think about it. I know many people must feel differently about that than I do, since they offer it, but I thought it was kind of weird.

I have learned a lot in the past couple of days though.

Because of how far along I was what I had was technically a stillbirth, not a miscarriage. We had to contact a funeral home and everything because the hospital won't take care of it for you if it is past 20 weeks. That is something we weren't expecting. Fortunately there is a funeral home near the hospital that offers a free option in cases like this. Still, it was an unexpected and stressful addition to the day.

The baby was delivered at about 2 o'clock in the morning. I was all by myself in a dark and quiet room. Tyler was in the car, on his way to the hospital. The nurse was out of the room. It was just me. And it was okay. It was fitting actually, because I'm feeling like so much of this is really a private thing. Just the mother has these feelings. I'm the only one who had any real contact with that baby after all. I don't know if she's mine or not mine now, but I do know that she was, is and always will be Heavenly Father's daughter, and I don't need to worry about her. I know that doesn't mean I won't be sad thinking of what might have been, or even what was for these last six months, but I KNOW that she is fine and I will be fine and life carries on for everyone.

I appreciate people's concern and love for me. I don't really want to talk to people right now, because it is all the same conversation, and it just makes me cry, and I am very tired of crying. My face is very tired of crying. Have you ever cried so much that it actually made you throw-up? It's not pleasant. Then again, nothing about this situation really is. Although, I have felt a deep sense of peace and calm at important moments, and I have felt the concern of great friends and family.

Today is Amelia's birthday, so it's off to do birthday things I go. See, life goes on. Quickly. Ready or not.

Things Change

2009-11-18T17:29:00.000-08:00

There's no easy way to say this - I view it kind of like ripping off a band-aid - just get it over with fast. The baby we were expecting in February has died. We found that out for certain this afternoon, but I had a feeling about it yesterday. I knew. I hoped not. But I knew. In fact, I didn't sleep last night. I just sat on the couch trying to feel something - anything, from the baby. A flutter. A turn. Or the lottery of movements, a kick. But nothing.

It is so strange how one month ago at my appointment everything was fine and dandy and today at my appointment she is there, but not alive. I can't describe it. I am at a loss as to what to do with this loss. I know miscarriages are very common. I don't think they are as common at 26 weeks. I was on the home stretch - the last trimester. It is so surreal. Especially the part where I have to go in tomorrow and actually deliver this baby.

I told the kids no new baby will be coming home with us anymore. They had a few questions, and actually it was a good conversation. They are a little wired now though. They know the atmosphere is different and things are Not Normal. Hopefully we all just make it through tomorrow okay.

100 Days

2009-11-16T06:19:00.000-08:00

I logged on today and saw that my baby counter was on 100 days. Yay! I had planned to wait until the count was down to 100 days before putting up my little widget, so I wouldn't feel like time was a slow creeper each time I saw it. I can live with 100 days and less. Not that I'm feeling unwell or anything. Most of the time I forget I'm even pregnant. Until I find myself thinking "Why I am so tired? What is wrong with me?" and then I remember. Or when the baby kicks, and I think "What in the world is going on in there? That's not normal." And then I remember there's a baby in there, which isn't normal, but yet is, at the same time.

Still no names for the baby, so don't bother asking. I keep suggesting all the same names I offered up when we were expecting Amelia and surprisingly Tyler keeps not liking them just like last time. Here's a sample of one of our baby name conversations:
W: What do you think of Eve? Did I ask that last time?
T: Yes you did. I still don't think so.
W: Okay. What about Betsy? I know you didn't like it before, but Betsy Brock sounds SO adorable. Surely you like it now, right?
T: No way.
W: Well, do you have any ideas?
T: No, not really.

There you go. We're pretty much at a dead end. The thing that is difficult is that he won't even suggest any more choices of his own. And that I keep suggesting all the same ones. That doesn't help either. So, we'll see. Maybe we'll agree on something, or maybe it will be one of those situations where we say, "okay, you pick this one all by yourself and I'll go along with it.". Probably not. I don't think either one of us are that accommodating. I promise we're not holding out on divulging a name just to be secretive. We really don't know yet. So, it will be a great surprise to us all! Maybe we should let the kids pick. I'll ask them right now what they think.

Here's how the conversation went:
Me: What do you think a good name for the new baby would be?
Lily: I like "Princess".
CT: That's not even a name. You can name them Cinderella or Belle or something. Or you could name her Crocodile!
Lily: That's a boy's name!
CT: Well, it's not taken yet.

So, no help there. It's good entertainment though.

2012

2009-10-23T11:55:00.000-07:00

Near my subdivision they put up this big new billboard recently that says "2012: We Were Warned". I had no idea what it was for but now I know it's for this new movie coming out next month. Before I knew that, however, I kept thinking of all the things to which it could be referring. The one that kept coming to mind again and again is this one: my 20th high school reunion. That's right. In 2012 it will have been 20 years since I left the hallowed halls of good old LHS. I had casually entertained the idea of what it would be like to go to the 20th reunion - I haven't been to any others-but after considering that billboard I think it has a good message about that possibility. I was warned. A 20th high school reunion is not a good idea unless I am looking for material for yet another cliche in a movie scene or television show. Besides, with the advent of Facebook, I already know what many of these former classmates of mine are up to on a daily basis. And if they aren't photo-shopping all of their photos I even know what they look like doing all kinds of different things. ( I know what their pets look like too. So many photos of the pets.) The need for an in-person high school reunion is negated by social networking sites! Yeah!

In The Middle of the NIght

2009-10-14T06:38:00.000-07:00

I know it is silly and superstitious, but I don't like midnight. Last night I couldn't fall asleep so I went downstairs to watch a few episodes of "House Hunters" on the good old DVR. I finally started to feel like sleep was a possibility and glanced at the clock to see that it was past 11:30. I quickly turned out the lights and went upstairs, wanting to be settled for the night before midnight. I don't like being awake by myself when the clock changes to 12:00. I'm perfectly fine if it's 1 AM. It's just midnight that sometimes really does send little chills down my spine.

Why?

My mind is telling me that in popular lore, midnight is considered the starting point for all evil creatures to begin their mischievous schemes. However, I can't think of a specific example from a book or anything to back this up right now. Can you? (My lack of examples probably shouldn't surprise me. My familiarity with the whole scary/haunted/psycho filled genre of books and movies is limited to childhood picture books about Casper and other friendly Halloween characters, reading the book "Carrie" in high school and seeing the movie on TNT, and watching "The Changeling" in my high school psychology class. Why did we spend two days of class watching "The Changeling"? I have no idea. All I know is it scared the dickens out of me and interrupted my peace of mind for months. Oh, I also watched the Hitchcock classic "Psycho" with my college roommates. That really is about it for me and intentionally scary things. Unless you count the Scooby Doo DVD that CT checked out of the library a few months ago.)

I also always associate midnight with the phrase "the witching hour", but again, I don't know if I made that association up or if it is legitimate. Whatever the case, I was relieved to be safely snuggled in my bed before the clock chimed (or, to be more accurate, digitally flashed) 12 last night.

A Post

2009-10-11T17:24:00.000-07:00

I have an ambivalent relationship with my blog. I think of many things I could post, but never do. I'm always thinking, "Why bother? No one reads my blog anyway." And then I think "What if people really do read my blog? Would I really want them to know my true feelings about some serious stuff?". After several more rounds of this type of self-questioning I generally just give up and opt not to post at all. And then I feel bad, because I always expect other people to post. I am disappointed when my friends blogs stay unchanged for long periods of time. I want to know what is going on in their lives, what they are thinking and doing. I want to feel like I have friends. But I realize I don't keep up my side of the bargain very well. I'm not a faithful blogger.

So, in the spirit of reciprocal blogging, here you go:

Today is Sunday. My view is that Sundays and kids just aren't a great combination. I didn't enjoy Sundays very much as a child myself. I would always feel annoyed that my parents spent so much time reading the paper and was even more annoyed on those very rare occasions when they attempted to take a nap.

When I was a college student and a young single adult I came to really enjoy Sundays and find real renewal in them. Since having children - I've got to be honest - I find no sense of renewal in Sundays. It's hard to feel like you've had a day of rest, in any interpretation of the phrase, when you still have to do most of the things you do every other day. The kids are always a complete disaster after we get home from church. I can't understand why. Three hours in a church building emotionally drains them to the point of tears every Sunday evening?

I keep thinking perhaps our late church schedule can be blamed (we start at 1:30) but at the same time I'm not sure I'm looking forward to January when we start at 8:30 am. Being home at 11:30 and having the whole rest of the day to spend with the kids in Sunday appropriate activities sounds...challenging. I guess it's my own fault. I'm the one who made all of the "no playing outside, no watching TV unless it's a church DVD (of which we have a grand total of three), no changing out of Sunday clothes" rules. Honestly, I like all of those rules, for myself and my kids. It just means I have to be ready with lots of alternatives so we don't all go crazy every Sunday.

Well - now you see why I talk myself out of blogging. Here I've just written out something that is meaningful to me, but probably extremely boring to anyone else. But, maybe if I blog more not all of my posts will be boring...we'll see.

FYI

2009-09-28T17:42:00.000-07:00

Sonogram today - it's a girl.

A Plea

2009-09-22T05:57:00.001-07:00

I object to modern maternity wear. Let's be honest folks. There is only a very, very small percentage of the female population who looks close to normal as a pregnant person. There are those who carry babies very inconspicuously and wear their normal clothes the whole pregnancy, perhaps fastening their jeans with a ponytail elastic through the button hole rather than actually buttoning them as their only concession to gaining any bulk. For these people, maternity wear on the tight side is passable. For the rest of the common hoard, my plea is, please don't wear tight maternity clothes. I especially am appalled to see all of the women at church in skin tight lycra shirts with a huge belly. I have no desire to see the outline of your belly button. As church members, we're not supposed to wear skin tight clothes normally, so why oh why would this rule be suspended in case of pregnancy? Come on people, not even Heidi Klum can pull off the tight maternity look. It looks ridiculous.

You Want a Cheese Stick? You'll Need a Password

2009-09-02T13:55:00.000-07:00

I never thought I'd be one of those moms. The ones that padlock the refrigerator and have a monitored alarm system on the pantry. The problem is, or at least one of the problems is, that I compare the behavior of my children to that of myself and my siblings. And it doesn't really match up. Sure, we raided my mom's stash of candy sometimes. However, we never tore open a bag of chocolate chips with our teeth, causing them all to fly hither and yon throughout the kitchen, and then stuffed handfuls of them into our mouths as if those chocolate chips were the first nourishment we'd seen in days.

Obviously, there is a big difference here in my own experiences as a child and those of my children. I was accompanied through my childhood by a sister four years older than me and a brother eight years older than me. There isn't much a two year old thinks to do that a six year old doesn't already know is a bad idea. Also, my mom was only dealing with one toddler at a time.

My kids are each a part of the Three Toddler Musketeers - All For One and All For Messes. They seem to encourage one another to new heights of toddler creativity - primarily concerning food. This is so strange to me, because it's not as if my kids don't eat. They get three meals a day. They get AT LEAST two snacks a day. I'm not opposed to treats - they all get their share of candy, popsicles, and high-calorie baked goods. I just don't understand this all-consuming quest of theirs for MORE MORE MORE. Even as I speak they are plotting a plan of action to find the chocolate chips that started this whole reflection, which were duly taken out of their possession and removed to an undisclosed location. I just heard Lily say to CT "Let's be secret agents and find those chocolate chips". Maybe that's why they do it - knowing I will take it away and then they can turn it into an elaborate sleuthing adventure to find out what I did with their spoils. In which case I guess I need to teach them how to play "Clue" at a young age.

Late Night

2009-08-14T10:30:00.000-07:00

I went to a baby shower last night. That happens quite frequently in our ward. It started at 7, I was there on time. I got home at 2 o'clock in the morning. Quite the baby shower, eh? There were six of us there that late. All of us are stay-at-home moms. Do you think maybe we're starved for a little social interaction that doesn't involve three year olds? Next time the invitation should just say "Baby Shower and Sleep Over"

Bursting My Bubble

2009-08-06T17:39:00.000-07:00

I've been realizing something over the past few years. It is something that I am still trying to believe is my reality. It is this: I was an extremely privileged child. I am not referring to growing up in the lap of luxury. We were a middle class family. I am referring to the fact that I was privileged to have my parents - my dad in particular - around so much. They were both very accessible, even though they both worked. My mom was a public school teacher. My dad is a university professor. I have heard him refer to this profession as the best part time job you can ever have. His hours are very flexible. He was always home for dinner. We took long summer vacations. He had all holidays off. He was there. A lot. I thought this was normal. A lot of my friends had parents who were professors too. I didn't know it was an unusual life style.

And then I got married. To an accountant. Who ended up working for one of our country's largest and most troubled financial institutions (Citigroup). My introduction to corporate America has been rocky. What I thought was normal for a husband and father I have discovered is anything but. His hours are not flexible. If we wait long enough to eat dinner he may be home in time to eat with us two out five nights a week. The other nights he'll usually come home after the children are asleep. We do go on vacations, but he doesn't get every holiday off. I don't think I'll ever get used to him having to go into work the day after Thanksgiving and the day after Christmas.

When this lifestyle first started to reveal itself I was indignant and assumed that something was drastically wrong with this picture. Then I started listening to all of the other women around me. I realized our life was completely normal. Everyone's husband was getting home late at night and working weekends and traveling for their jobs and basically not being at home much. This knowledge just makes me feel more sad. This really is the new reality for our families? We're not allowed to have family dinners together because of the demands of the working world? I get so sad thinking about the years stretching ahead...our family gathering around the dinner table and discussing first days of school and science projects and what happened on the school bus and it being just me and the kids. I also feel sad complaining about it to Tyler, because what can he do? Other than go back to school for a PhD and become a university professor...then again, even that job isn't looking so good any more. I really am an adult now because I say with complete sincerity phrases like "what is the world coming to?" .

Perchance to Dream

2009-08-04T05:53:00.001-07:00

Sometimes, you just can't help falling asleep on the couch. You know how it is. You are comfortably situated there, laying on the couch with a good book and you are getting sleepier and sleepier. There comes a moment when you think to yourself "I should go up to bed" followed by the thought, "or, I could just let myself fall asleep here".

Letting myself just fall asleep on the couch can sometimes feel...indulgent. Like a little luxury. It is comfy and cozy on the couch with the light of a lamp and the quietness of being downstairs all by myself. So I allow myself to just drift off...and then, sometime later, I wake with a start.

It's one of those "Why am I sleeping here??" split seconds of reorientation. And then suddenly I notice that it doesn't feel so comfy and cozy on the couch anymore. I'm down here all by myself. Late at night. That's not so cozy. A lone lamp is on surrounded by deep darkness in all the other rooms of the house. Its light is stark rather than comforting now. Quickly I switch it off and race up the stairs to my own bed, next to a sleeping husband in a soft darkness. Comfy and cozy once again.

Pledge or no Pledge?

2009-06-25T17:21:00.000-07:00

When we bought our house we opted for the separate shower and tub in the master bath. It seemed fancier - more like the going trend in all the master baths you see on television. If I had to do it again I would quite possibly change my mind. Why? Well, one reason is that our shower stall is indeed separate. It is squeezed into it's own little drywalled box that is big enough to turn around in as long as your elbows are at your sides. The big reason though is that now I am faced with the additional housecleaning chore of dusting my bathtub. Yes, dusting it. We never use it - well, except to drip dry our swimming suits in. This leaves me the job of wiping it down every couple of weeks to remove the accumulation of dust on all it's many surfaces. I never have liked dusting. And dusting a bathtub feels like it should be unnecessary. I guess I need to invest in some Calgon to motivate me to use my bathtub. Although a bath loses most of it's allure when it takes place with three little children standing by the side of the tub, wanting to put their hands and arms in the water. I can't lock them out to enjoy a bath either, I'd just be imagining what they were doing out there. Like during my shower on Tuesday, when Lily cut off the hair above both ears into half inch long feathered glory, leaving her with a mullet even Billy Ray Cyrus would certainly have envied. I guess I'm stuck with dusting.

Can't stand this either...

2009-06-18T17:44:00.001-07:00

I just have to share another one of the little things that gives me the creeps in life. It's those little stalactites of cheese that dangle from tin foil when you take it off of something that's been baked in the oven. It's so gross. The tin foil looks like a Biore nose strip you just yanked off and looked at under a magnifying glass.

Restating the Obvious Part One

2009-06-15T13:34:00.000-07:00

I've always had this fascination with Pioneer Life, based primarily on my many readings of all things Laura Ingalls Wilder. As interested as I am in the time period and the way of life, I have long known that I was not cut out to be an actual pioneer. All for lack of one simple necessity: indoor plumbing.

The other day however, I had this minor epiphany as to another reason why I absolutely could not have abided the demands of that life. I know it should have occurred to me sooner, but frankly, it just didn't. Here it is: the women never shaved. Anywhere. I could not handle it. Leg hair I could probably deal with but...under the arms? I do not think so. Very much not for me in so many ways.

Most Visited

2009-06-12T06:11:00.000-07:00

I just read this little article and thought it was interesting. More people visited Temple Square last year than the Grand Canyon. I also liked seeing what places people are going compared to what places I have been. On this list I have been everywhere except the Florida destinations and Hawaii...oh, and Lake Mead. I'm not a desert/boating type of person. I was surprised by the rankings of some things and by the omission of others. No Yellowstone? No San Diego? Interesting. All I know is if I were planning a US vacation I wouldn't be picking Las Vegas over, say, Hawaii. But obviously I'm not the one doing all the traveling these days.

Frivolous Rant

2009-06-04T05:34:00.000-07:00

Allow me to editorialize for a moment on an element of pop culture that is driving me crazy lately. Jon and Kate Plus Eight.

I have watched this show maybe ten times, so I feel qualified to comment on their personal lives.

We all know that they are "having marital difficulties". The thing that is really bugging me is the way Kate keeps saying, "Everything I do I do for my children. The books, the show, the traveling, it is all for them. To fulfill this need to provide for my children."

Okay. I can understand being stressed about having enough money to support eight children. The thing is, when she keeps talking about "providing" for the children, I keep asking myself "providing what?". That huge new farmhouse? Because I'm pretty sure the kids seemed just as happy in your old house. Providing a stay-at-home dad while you travel? Because I'm pretty sure this is making Jon bitter and unhappy. Providing a mom who is toned, tanned, coiffed, stylized, and bodygaurded? I doubt they'd miss it. Providing a horde of paparazzi following the children around because they are on this show? Call me crazy, but I think Kate's idea of what she needs to provide could stand a readjustment. Hey Kate - how about providing a happily married mom and dad? I'm pretty sure any child of divorced parents would tell you that would have been the greatest desire of their childhood - even more than the monthly trips to fabulous resorts and 12 volt cars to drive around their multiple acres. You should have some hefty savings by now. You could step out of the spotlight and try to be a family again. But you might have to give a lot things up. It makes me sad to see what people (not just Jon and Kate) are willing to toss aside and what they embrace in its place.

The Water Is Fine

2009-05-29T17:27:00.000-07:00

Swimming season is here. That's a double edged sword for me. On the one hand, the kids love it. On the other hand, the kids love it. They want to go to the pool every day. When we are there CT never wants to leave. Lily is sometimes begging to go home part way into it. Amelia hasn't warmed up to the water yet and doesn't really participate in the swim portion of the outing. Though she does love changing into her swimming suit.

What I like about swimming season is:

1) Seeing my girls in their cute little swimming suits. CT looks cute in his too, but it makes me feel like he's about 14 to see him running around with his six pack on display. I haven't seen a lot of four year olds who look as cut as that kid.

2) Lily's hair turns back to blonde. I always think of her as blonde, but in the winter she really isn't. Still, we've been doing our pool thing for two days and the California girl is back. (This is very ironic, I know. I have always had a prejudice against blond girls and now I enjoy it when my daughter joins their ranks. I guess I'm just happy for her that she has the potential, with the sun's help, to join that privileged group).

3) The kids get tan. Very, very tan. With such a contrast to the non-exposed portions of their torsos. It amazes me.

4) They are actually close to swimming all alone, with no flotation device help. They are both great at swimming all over the place and jumping in by themselves with floaties on, but it won't be too many weeks more until they are floaty free I think. That alone will shrink the size of the pool bag by three-quarters.

One other plus is that a couple of days ago I was preparing for our first trip to the pool this year. I put my swimming suit on and CT said "Your swimming suit looks really great Mom. Actually, all of you looks great". I don't know where he could have learned such shameless flattery, but it certainly made me smile and was a good start to the swim season in my book!

I Should Do This More Often

2009-04-29T17:09:00.000-07:00

None of you know this, but I was out of town for a few days last week. My mom and I hatched a little plan to surprise my dad for his 65th birthday. All of his kids showed up at his house on his birthday without him knowing any of us were coming. It was great. It was just us: Mom, Dad, Bob, Audrey, Wendy, Sally. That's it. No spouses. No kids. Just like the good old days. We figured out that it has been 19 years since the six of us were together like that, as the "original" family members. It was pretty cool. Of course, now my parents want to make this little reunion an annual tradition. It wouldn't be a problem to me, mainly because I have one of the best husbands I have ever heard of.

He took two days off of work to stay home with the kids while I was away. He even watched the little boy I babysit every morning. (He did refuse to take my turn teaching our co-op preschool though. I knew I was pushing it when I made the suggestion, but a girl's gotta try.) When I got home I found the house completely clean (he even mopped the bathroom floors), all the laundry done, and my entire kitchen reorganized. Granted, that last part has its downside since I spent a good twenty minutes the other day looking for our paper plates (FYI - they are no longer in the pantry. They are in the cupboard over the microwave). Oh well. Organizing things makes him happy and stresses me out totally, so he always does big things like this when I am away. It helps us avoid many unpleasant conversations like this:

Me -Why are you putting the paper goods over the microwave?
Tyler -Well, because we don't use them much and this cupboard is totally empty.
Me - Yes, but now the paper goods could just as well be in Siberia. They are stacked so tightly that I have to wrench everything out to get any one item. And I have to stand on a chair while I'm wrenching. Is this really a good idea considering my lack of coordination?
Tyler -I'll get any paper goods you need down for you.
Me - Right...good plan dear.

These conversations were totally eliminated by him making these changes without me around.

Also, the kids had a grand old time with just Dad. I asked them my first morning back if they missed me.
CT: No.
Lily: No. But Dad did.

Good to know. Naturally I had to ask a follow up question to boost my self-esteem as a mother.
Me: Well, are you glad I'm back?
Both Kids: Yes.
At least there's that. And Amelia didn't scream and cry when she saw me this time like she did the last time I returned from a trip. That is real progress.

Overall, I think everything turned out great. I owe it all to my dad for being 65 already!

California Dreamin'

2009-04-15T07:15:00.000-07:00

I am not a true California girl like so many of you are. I don't have the same fanatical feelings of the truth of the place like others do. I can, in fact, quite easily admit that there are other worthy places to live in this country. But still, I did live there for just over six years. That's the same length of time that I lived in Logan, and I claim to be FROM there.

I know that California is generally one of those places that people LOVE or people loathe. There are certainly good and bad things about it, and I consider myself to be more objective than you natives on this point because I can't truly claim it as my home. That said, the thing is, California is a place that is dear to me now, in a way no other place will ever be.

In California I:

1) Got to live by myself in a cute little apartment where I painted my first stripes.
2) Made truly amazing friends that I am counting on having for the rest of my life.
3) Met and married Tyler.
4) Had not one, but two dear little babies.
5) Fell in love with and bought our first little house that seriously, I miss as much as a real person sometimes. That house was a friend to me.

It's hard to describe the way events of life get entwined with the places they occurred. So many emotions and experiences come back to me when I think of one little sun drenched spot in the vast Inland Empire. I will always have a fondness for it. I will be one of those annoying parents who drive my children around the places of my past that will then be ghettos and run-down flop houses and tell them how idyllic all of these spots used to be and they will think I am crazy.

I may not have California in my blood, but I will always have California in my heart.

Say Cheese

2009-04-03T07:24:00.000-07:00

It seems that at least half of the people I know are now photographers. I'm not sure if this is because photography is something more flexible that a mom can do to earn a bit of money, or if the scrapbooking trend has fueled the movement. All I know is that many of my friends take beautiful pictures that make everything their family does look like it came straight out of a magazine. This is not a skill that I have learned. I don't have a fancy camera. I haven't even bothered to learn all of the features on the simple one I have. Sadly, the pictures I take reflect this. This lack of photographic talent runs in the family I'm afraid. My mother is a notoriously poor photographer. My dad doesn't even try. I have one brother-in-law that is better, and he was in charge of taking all pictures at family gatherings for years.

I'm not terribly interested in learning how to be a great photographer, but I would love to have lots of pictures of my family that look like they came out of a magazine. If only some of these talented friends would just follow us around once a month or something, like our own little paparazzo. The friend would take splendid candid shots of us, with wonderful natural light and expressions of delight on all my childrens' faces as we do things like bake cookies, find ladybugs in the grass, and build sand castles at the beach. That would not only supply me with pictures I could never manage on my own, but also relieve the nagging feeling of guilt that passes over me frequently when the family is doing something and I think over and over again "I should be taking pictures of this".

Kids growing up these days are going to be absolutely inundated with a photographic record of their lives. Think of the task it will be for them to do something like make a retrospective slideshow for their weddings. I didn't have one personally, but if I had, it would have taken about fifteen minutes to go through the photographs of my life. Ten years from now it will literally take these kids hours to attempt that. I don't mind not having lots and lots of photos of me throughout my life. After all, they would mainly be taken by my mother (whom I love dearly and has many fabulous talents) and wouldn't be very good pictures anyway...

I Can't Stand It

2009-03-26T09:06:00.000-07:00

There are some things that gross me out/make my skin crawl/fill me with a sense of dread when I face them. Among them are:

1) Sea Life. More specifically very large sea mammals. I'm dreading the day when our kids want to make the trek to Sea World San Antonio. I don't feel predisposed to take kindly to Shamu.

2) Opening a can of refrigerated crescents or biscuits. Seeing that label "press back of spoon here" causes me to feel quite panicky.

3) A plastic spoon scraping a styrofoam bowl. The one draw back to ice cream in a cup.

4) The stalactites of cheese left on aluminum foil after you bake a covered lasagna. So hideous looking.

5) Eating reheated meat. I will eat leftovers cold rather than have to taste pre-cooked meat that has been warmed over. Not tasty.

6) On the subject of food-warmth: cooked fruit. The only exception to this is apple pie, but even then I much prefer it the next day, cold, rather than warm out of the oven. Same with banana bread, blueberry muffins, and other baked goods with fruit - I enjoy them more cold than warm. Don't get me started on fruit in savory dishes,which is almost always an abomination, and yes, that includes pineapple on pizza.

7) Going to sleep in a bed that hasn't been made. I don't sleep well if the bed hasn't been made that day. I always make the bed. If something strange happens and I have to rush out of the house without making my bed and don't get home til night and face an unmade bed I will make the bed then, just to turn it down and get right in.

Georgia on My Mind

2009-03-15T08:03:00.000-07:00

I feel the need to update my blog because I am always disappointed when other people don't have anything new for me to read on their blogs.

What's new here? you ask. Well, not much. Tyler and I did go on a trip last weekend for our anniversary. It was a week and a half early, but it's when my parents could come to stay with the kids, so we were flexible. We went to Savannah, Georgia. A location I picked. Which many people seem to view as a strange choice. I have just read many books with references to Savannah and it's beauty and charm. I've wanted to see it for myself for several years. That being said, I have not read THE BOOK that you must read (apparently)if you visit this city. It is one of the things that marred the visit. There were two main things that marred the visit:
1) Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. This is the NY Times bestseller based on a true Savannah murder. I haven't read it, but I have seen the cemetery where the characters drink champagne at midnight, the statue that was photographed for the book's cover, the home where the shooting took place, and enough souvenirs concerning The Book to take away any spark of interest I may have ever had about reading it for myself.
2) Paula Deen. I hadn't thought of Savannah as having anything to do with Paula Deen before we went - but I sure know now. What this woman has done to her image in Savannah is close to indecent. Her products are everywhere. Paula Deen Hoecake Mix, Paula Deen Peach Preserves, Paula's Deen Spiced Peanuts, and the list goes on...and on. Not only that but there is "Paula Deen Approved Captain Michael's Coffee" (Captain Michael is her husband). Not only is she selling herself at every possible turn, but she is selling other people with herself as well. I can sometimes be prone to exaggeration, but this time I am telling you straight that her face is on every single cookbook for sale in the city, no matter who wrote it - but chances are it is one of her's or her sons'. The restaurant that started it all and made her famous in the first place is in Savannah, but to eat there you have to line up at 7:30 in the morning, wait until 9:30 for someone to come take your name, and then come line up again at 11 to be seated at 12. Ridiculous. All the locals we asked about it said that the food isn't even very good anymore. She hasn't done the cooking for years, naturally. We didn't even bother trying to eat there. We left that experience for all the people who paid hundreds of dollars to go on the "Paula Deen Tour" of Savannah where you ride around in a trolley and see all the places she ever shopped or ate. I used to enjoy watching Paula Deen's cooking show every once in a while, but her commercial overtaking of Savannah has left me immune to her charms.

On the flip side, Savannah was beautiful, just like all the books said. We had the most perfect weather you are ever likely to have in Georgia. The best thing about Savannah is walking around the historic district looking at the amazing restored homes and the Live Oaks dripping with Spanish Moss. We could have taken a picture on every corner, but since we did that on our Honeymoon when we waked around the historic neighborhood of New Orleans, we restrained ourselves. We figured we didn't need dozens of pictures of one or the other of us standing in front of random beautiful homes. Although i guess it could have been a good source of comparitive materials, same pictures, five years apart.

So there you have it - something new to read!

The Result

2009-03-01T13:48:00.001-08:00

I don't have time to write much, but here are some pictures at least of The New Haircut. C.T. took these. Not bad for a four year old, eh?

Hair Dilemmas

2009-02-19T06:59:00.000-08:00

Our Ward had a Valentine's Day Dinner and Dance on Saturday night. We decided to actually go this year. Our friends appointed themselves the unofficial ward photographers and went around taking pictures of each couple. She sent out the Kodak slideshow yesterday. Let's just say that now my new plans for this Saturday include getting my hair cut into something resembling a style. I'm generally anti-bangs - having had bad experiences viewing photos of myself from the late eighties and early nineties sporting the look my dad refers to as B.U.B.s (Big Utah Bangs). Still, since my forehead in the photo from Saturday night appears to be roughly half the size of my head, I've decided something must be done. I found a lovely picture of Jennifer Garner looking radiant in nice side-swept bangs and long layers. We all know that any attempt by a salon to match a picture ends up with you looking in the mirror and down at the picture you brought saying to yourself over and over again "What picture was SHE looking at?". But desperate times call for desperate measures, as they say. I will post the results this weekend (if I actually go through with it. If you have any encouragement for me, please leave a comment).

Here is the picture that started it all:

Nothing from the sea, thanks.

2009-02-12T17:27:00.000-08:00

As many of you know, I have a marine life phobia. Even my kids know this because there are whole groups of pages I refuse to read to them from their "Sharks and Whales" discovery book. My husband is certainly aware of the phobia. So imagine my surprise when I came to use the computer after him to find the browser open to Craig's List. It was a listing titled "Life Size Killer Whale Replica". Can you imagine if that showed up at our house? I mean, I had to walk into the other room at my nephew's preschool because they had a big paper-maiche blue whale hanging from the ceiling. I sincerely hope it is not on the short list for one of my birthday surprises.

The Good Old Days

2009-01-31T17:49:00.000-08:00

Remember when daytime TV used to be fun? Oh, how I remember the glory days of TLC daytime: full of A Makeover Story, A Dating Story, A Wedding Story, and A Baby Story. Also, there used to be a whole lot more reruns of classic TV sitcoms. How are kids today ever going to know anything about Bewitched? Or I Dream of Jeannie? Laverne and Shirley? Gidget? I saw all of these shows as afternoon reruns when I was growing up. The only classic reruns I ever see on now are The Brady Bunch. What happened to all of the others?

It saddens me to know that my children will reach adulthood without knowing that Laverne's favorite drink was milk and Pepsi. Remember how she always poured it into that glass that made it look like it was all swirled in stripes? I was so disappointed the one time I tried making a milk and Sprite (we never had Cola) at home and it didn't turn out stripey. And it tasted pretty strange too.

I don't understand what has happened. There were still court TV shows and talk shows on when I was young. I guess there just weren't as many. Well, I KNOW there weren't as many. As a child I remember The People's Court and Phil Donahue. Remember how he would run and leap and lean all over people to get the microphone to people in his audience? I wonder what he's doing now...I see his wife, MaryLou Hennar, on all of those St. Jude commercials. I guess that's one other thing that's taken over daytime TV: commercials. Specifically infomercials. What really annoys me is that they play a lot of those mini-infomercials on Nick Jr. So my kids will happily be watching Dora the Explorer and then suddenly it becomes a loud advertisement for "Snuggie - the blanket with sleeves!". This happens so often that CT has internalized the medium of the infomercial. The other day he was playing with one of his toy vehicles and made it into his own infomercial. He was saying things like (and I promise I am not making this up to make my child seem hilarious) "But wait! It can also go super fast! And watch this! Tires that spin around and around! All this for only three dollars!"

I was complaining about the infomercial on kids TV to my sister Sally who also has young children. She said, "I know! It's terrible. Dallin keeps bugging me to buy things he sees on those commercials. He REALLY wants me to get the Aqua Globes, and we don't even have any house plants."

I guess it's just as well that daytime TV is so lame now, because I don't have the opportunity to watch it. Still, I think of my kids growing up in a world where the after school reruns they see will be things like...I have no idea. I've been sitting here looking at the screen trying to think of current sitcoms and I just don't know any. But whatever they are, I'm sure they wont be as entertaining and endearing as Samantha and the two Darrens, or Gidget, Larue, and Moon Doggie. We'll just have to get Netflix so they can see them. And Sesame Street before it was corrupted by Elmo (as Gina so wisely pointed out).

***This has nothing to do with my post but just as an aside for those who know me well: We were at a gathering of friends today and one of the women referred to me as being "so soft-spoken". Me! Can you believe it? Do you think I've changed, or do you think she just doesn't know me well?

T-Shirts and Mortality

2009-01-25T17:37:00.000-08:00

I have T-shirt that has a hole in it. Right in the front and center, which seems like a very strange place for a T-shirt to wear out. I got this T-shirt in 1992. A high-school friend and I decided to do an exchange of t-shirts from our respective new universities. She went to Trinity, in Texas, and I went to BYU. I wear this Trinity t-shirt just for pajamas now, but I used to wear it a lot for real, too. Many of you have probably seen it on me. It just struck me as amazing that I have been routinely wearing this T-shirt for SEVENTEEN YEARS. Is that crazy? I can't even believe I've been out of high school that long. I mean, I remember going to my dad's 20th High school reunion as a family, and I was about 12 or something. I'm almost the age my dad was then? It boggles the mind...but on the other hand, that was one well made t-shirt, wouldn't you say?

On The Hunt

2008-12-23T18:17:00.000-08:00

I am not a network TV watcher. I don't watch any shows like "Lost" or "Grey's Anatomy" or any of those other things people are always going on about. I am not interested. This does not mean that I don't enjoy being entertained by TV. I just like the channels you have to pay a cable (or, in our case, satellite) bill to see.

It will be no surprise to hear that my most watched network by far is HGTV. And, yes, I do have a favorite show. This is the part that will probably seem strange. My absolute favorite show right now and of the last several months is...House Hunters International. It is fabulous.

I love learning about other places in the world, and this format - a house hunt - lets you know more intimate things about a place. If you watch a Rick Steves travel show on PBS you're going to see a lot of wonderful places to visit, but you're not going to get to tour three average family apartments in three different districts of Budapest, are you? It is so fascinating to me. I love imagining how other people live their daily lives, and this show helps me tremendously. If you haven't ever watched it, give it a try. It's on every night right after the regular House Hunters, which is also not bad, but seeing different homes in Wichita just doesn't have quite the same appeal as seeing three different homes on New Zealand's Hibiscus Coast. Hooray for vicarious travel!

Quiz: Do You Know Who Emily Post Is?

2008-12-08T17:45:00.000-08:00

Have you ever heard of a thing called etiquette? Apparently, many people haven't, especially the "rising generation". I guess etiquette is kind of old fashioned. It was even when I was growing up. That didn't stop my parents from raising us with a very defined guide to good manners. We did things that certainly none of my friends did. We had family rules for many situations.

Rules for answering the phone:
If it was for someone other than you who was home the conversation went:
You: Hello?
Caller: Is your mother there?
You: Yes, just one moment please.
Always. Always the exact same phrase.

If it was for someone other than you who was not home the conversation went:
You: Hello?
Caller: Is your mother there?
You: No, I'm sorry, she isn't. May I take a message?
Again, no variation here, ever.

(You may notice that in these examples the caller is always requesting my mother. That was usually the way it worked.)

It was for you:
You: Hello?
Caller: Is (insert your name here) there?
You: This is she.
I was shocked in college to her my roommate say "This is her". She had to tape a sign over the phone that said "This is SHE" so she would say it properly.

Just a side note, in Romania the conversation would go like this:
You: Hello!
Caller: Is (insert your Romanian name here) there?
You: I am!
I just always loved that short and precise declaration "I am!". In Romanian they say "sunt". Just one word - even better.

Other ways in which we showed proper etiquette were things like not starting to eat your dessert until the hostess first took a bite of hers. We ended up amending this rule slightly to "unless the dessert includes ice cream" because my mom was notoriously slow at taking her first bite and everyone's ice cream would be quite melt-y by the time she finally settled down.

We also never wore white dress shoes or nylons before Easter or after Labor Day. As we got older we could wear "winter white" or cream, but not true white.

When we finished eating our dinner we always said "May I please be excused?" before leaving our places.

We said "excuse me" when we sneezed or yawned. Other bodily functions were not allowed :).

When we went to bed, we always gave our parents good night kisses on the cheek, and if our grandparents were visiting, we had to give them good night kisses on the cheek too, which I never really wanted to do.

Even when I was an adolescent my peers thought all of this was strange. I was given a nickname by friends of "Miss Priss", because they felt I and my family were so prim and proper. I never minded, and I still don't. I like it. I hope to pass much of it on to my kids, even if other people think it's strange. I feel it will be easier now that we live in Texas. In fact, my kids may be seen as the ill-mannered ones because they don't refer to Tyler and me as "Sir" and Ma'am".

FYI

2008-12-04T18:26:00.000-08:00

I don't know if I've mentioned it, but I have another blog where I post pictures of the kids. If you're ever interested in the more traditional "family blog" you can check it out:

www.cutebrocks.blogspot.com

Apple Pie and Romance

2008-12-01T08:38:00.000-08:00

Last night we were enjoying some of Tyler's famous shredded apple pie that was left over from Thanksgiving. I know what you're thinking - leftover PIE? From Thanksgiving? How is that possible? Well, maybe it will help you to know that we went to Thanksgiving dinner at Tyler's uncle Wendell's house. There were 22 people there, including all of the little children. We had 14 pies. To be more acurate, 13 pies and 1 pumpkin cheesecake. That's more than half of a pie per person. We just didn't have it in us to make much of a dent in all the pie after the biggest dinner of the year. So, we ended up bringing 2 1/2 pies home.

Eating it last night reminded me of the first experience I ever had with Tyler's shredded apple pie. It was the summer of 2003. Tyler and I had been on a few dates - maybe 3 or 4. He invited me to a bar-b-que at his brother Ryan's house to meet his mom and brothers. He was in charge of bringing pie, and had to make it before the evening festivities.

I offered to help him make the pie over at my apartment. I am not embellishing this story in any way when I tell you that his response to me was, "No...I don't think so. I'm not sure if I want to spend that much time with you."

Can you believe I actually married this person? Truthfully, I think I respected him more than I was offended, because his reply sounded like something I would have said back then. And just 3 months later we were engaged. And he baked these latest apple pies all by himself this time, too.

Can You Tell Me How To Get To...

2008-11-11T17:49:00.000-08:00

As a child I loved Sesame Street. I remember being very little and asking my mom what channel Sesame Street was on and then holding out that many fingers as I ran to the television so I wouldn't forget.

I had a favorite outfit that was Sesame Street brand. It was bright yellow pants and a rainbow striped turtle neck.

I love the muppets.

I love the set - the row houses and Hooper's store and the fix-it shop and how everything looked a bit gritty and dingy and actually like it may have been in New York City for real.

I love the dependable human characters that don't ever change...or so I thought.

My kids haven't really gotten on board the Sesame Street train, but I did try to expose them to it awhile ago and let me tell you, things are not the same on The Street. Sadly, the show is not what it once was. It still has some of the same muppet characters, but the skits they do just aren't as funny and clever as it seems they used to be. Kermit the Frog is, sadly, totally absent.

They do have some of the same human characters as they had in my childhood days, but they are shockingly changed. Namely, Bob. Take a look at this:

The peppy music teacher Bob of my youth:

The frail looking, age-spotted Bob of my old age:

Susan is gone altogether, as is Linda. Gordon, Luis, and Maria are still holding on, along with Bob.

Hooper's store is still there, although not run by Mr. Hooper, obviously. The fix-it shop became a mail-it shop, which was really lame. Big Bird's nest now looks like a play place at the mall. The tire swing isn't in the courtyard anymore.

The things I miss most are the wacky little segments they would do with the muppets. I loved "This is Kermit The Frog reporting live.." and "Monsterpiece Theater" and the song parodies, like "The Beetles" singing "Letter B". So much fun.

So I ask you, why mess with a good thing? I guess should be asking Wendy's the same thing about why they changed the frosty recipe after so many good years...

This Is Fun Because....?

2008-10-31T19:00:00.000-07:00

I, like so many others, love the fall. Growing up I think one of the main reasons I wanted to be mother is so that I could make Halloween sugar cookies and decorate them with little helpers as a crisp wind whipped up a swirl of leaves outside the window of my cozy kitchen full of yummy baking smells. Every year I get excited about the start of the fall holidays with Halloween. But, I have to be honest here. So far it just isn't living up to my expectations. The last two years CT has been seriously ill on Halloween. This year he wasn't sick, but after the first block he started crying and saying "I'm thirsty. I need a drink." Instead of saying "Trick or Treat" he would say with a sob "I"m thirsty" and hold out his plastic pumpkin. To his credit, after a runner was sent home for a juice box he perked up. Of course, by then Lily had reached her limit and started saying she couldn't walk anymore and wanted to eat some of her candy and go home. Disappointing, because I had high hopes for her when the evening began. I thought she was going to pull through. She started the evening out so well. She would always say "trick or treat" and "Thank you" and then as we were walking away she would say to me "We still need to get more candy, right?". I can't think of a time when the answer to that question would be "no". Actually, I don't mind only trick or treating two blocks worth of homes. I just wish we could do it without the inevitable break downs. Maybe next year?

This One's For Amanda

2008-10-13T08:33:00.000-07:00

Let me express a few opinions on the topic of giving birth. Actually, on the topic of telling stories about giving birth. This is what I have observed about women who have gone through childbirth: the stories of their labor and delivery are badges of honor. When you gather a group of young mothers the conversation will inevitably turn to birth stories. It quickly becomes a competition. And there are rules about what constitutes a "winning" birth story. Here are some guidelines to follow if you want your birth story to top all others:

1) The length of labor is key. There are two ways to win in this category - having an agonizing and slow labor, preferably with several false alarms, or having a lightning fast labor. The fast labor story seems to be the current trend, so don't think you have a chance of competing in the category unless your baby was born within 15 minutes of parking the car (while being wheeled to the delivery room is preferable). Naturally, if you have your baby IN the car, you are an undisputed birth story champ.

2) The behavior of your husband is an important element. You get more mileage out of insensitive behavior than anything. Things like husbands leaving the hospital to get an In N Out burger and bringing it back to the hospital just in time for the delivery and eating it as you push away because he just can't let an In N Out burger get cold score big points. You get the idea. Stories about husbands amazingly sensitive behavior are impressive, but don't score as many points because people feel you then had an unfair advantage in the birthing scenario.

3) Medication is a must. For discussion, that is. If you had some, it is best to have had some strange reaction to it or some mistreatment during it's administration by medical staff to liven your story up. If you didn't have any, people tend to feel threatened. Not having any is best received when it is accompanied by an amazingly fast delivery story as discussed in point #1.

Of course, after the baby is born the game continues. Contests over who is surviving on the least amount of sleep, whose baby wins the prize for most colicky, and the nursing sagas I have heard are a whole separate category.

My point here, Amanda, is, take what you hear about giving birth, good and bad, with a grain of salt. No one else will have the same story you will have, but in the end, you will be an official player in the exciting game of My Labor and Delivery.

Come Into My Parlor

2008-10-02T18:02:00.000-07:00

I love the Little House books. I have re-read the entire series every year of my life since the time I was about 8 yrs old until about, oh, three years ago. You know how sometimes you know a book so well that you know exactly where to go to read the one scene that will evoke the feeling you want to have at a certain moment? The Little House books are full of such passages for me, and in fact, whole books in the series are like that. Every fall I always get the urge to read Farmer Boy. One thing that book mentions quite a bit is the formal parlor of their farmhouse.

Now, I'm not trying to sound fancy, but my house definitely has a parlor. A room that is always kept clean, from lack of use as much as anything else, and only used on special occasions like home teaching visits. My formal living/dining room area is never used as a hang out space for our family, except when I play the piano, or when CT and Lily use the couch cushions to build a lion's den. The room is never off limits to anyone, we just don't gravitate to it. Also, a big factor is that it has no ceiling fan, and it is so swelteringly hot here that we stick to rooms with fans as much as possible. We don't even put our Christmas tree in there.

Sometimes, I feel like it is a big waste of space to have this whole area that we never use, but more often I am very grateful that it's there. It is the first area of our house guests walk into, and I find it extremely comforting that no matter the state of the rooms just beyond it's walls, this room, at least, is visitor ready.

Like every room in our house, it isn't totally finished. I still have visions of crown molding in my head, and someday a big dining room table that our family could actually fit around. And I still need to replace the standing lamp with one that matches and repaint the little dining table and chairs to a cherry-brownish shade.

Here are some pictures, although they don't include my latest acquisition. We bought a nice area rug at a neighbor's garage sale ($10!) that is now under the dining table and looks really great. My favorite things about this room as it is now are: my red lamps that I got at Hobby Lobby for 80% off and my little chandelier lamp shades that I found at the thrift store for $2 a piece. I was a bit worried about the lighting in the room since the shades were all red and gold. I feel there is a fine line between red lamps that look good in a family home and red lamps that look good in a bordello, but I'm pleased with the look of these. I also love our big painting above the couch that was a wedding present from my parent's former bishop who is an artist. It cost us more to frame it than we've paid for any piece of furniture in our home, but I love it. So, you're all welcome to come on over and visit in my parlor, it's always available, unless the home teachers happen to be here...

You say Jim-Jams and I say pajama-whamas

2008-09-18T17:49:00.000-07:00

I have a thing with pajamas. I like to have lots of them. And I like for my kids to have lots of them. Tyler thinks the overflowing shelf of pajamas in my closet is excessive (then again, he thinks the fact that absolutely everything in my closet is overflowing is excessive. The man may have a point.) Of course, this is coming from a man that owns not one single proper pair of pajamas. Old gym shorts and an over-sized gift T-shirt from the blood bank just don't qualify as true pajamas in my book.

Now to a seemingly unrelated story. The kids and I have been discussing Halloween costumes with a greater intensity this week. If it turns out I'm going to be responsible for making something I want to know now - or, more realistically speaking, if I'm going to have time to ask my mom to make something and send it to us I need to know now. We've decided on a Peter Pan theme. CT is Pan, naturally, and both girls are going as Tinkerbell. I considered having Amelia dress in one of those infant animal costumes that look adorable (but sweltering) and having her be a lost boy, but I couldn't feel right about my baby girl's first ever Halloween costume being a "lost boy".

So then the kids ask me what I'm going to be and I say "That's easy. Who do you think Mom could be from Peter Pan?" and they both shout "Wendy!". Then CT says (and here is where the two stories all come together) "But you have to dress up. You need to wear a blue nightgown. But that's no problem. You have enough of those on that shelf in your closet." Yes I do. Not any that I will be wearing to the ward Halloween Party, however. Maybe some sewing will be necessary for my costume as well as the kids...

That's One Way to Do It

2008-08-27T19:42:00.000-07:00

Warning: The following post is another story about CT. If you're sick of these, feel free to check back in a few weeks for something new.

So, on Sunday Lily got pushed by a friend in nursery and was crying hysterically over it. I said to her "Well, did you tell Olivia that you don't like it when she pushed and you weren't going to play with her if she does that?". (As if a two year old would have the presence of mind to deliver a speech like that. But still, I"m hoping there is something to the whole repetition philosophy and maybe in a few more years she might apply it.) Of course she said "no". At which point CT put in his two cents. He said "Well, Lily, if someone is mean to me, then I am just mean to them. That's how I handle it".

Yes, the lesson of retribution is learned early around here. I don't know if it comes across when I write these little anecdotes, but CT has such a funny way of expressing himself. It just cracks me up. His turn of phrase seems very mature.

In case you're wondering, Lily says funny things too. I just seem to have a harder time remembering any right now. Poor girl. I'll have to start taking notes during the day.

Avoid Bears

2008-08-21T19:13:00.001-07:00

So here is a little piece of my thoughts for the day...it just goes to show on what level of stimulation my environment is that these are the thoughts going around and around in my head all day.

I checked out a DVD from the library for the kids. It's a Berenstain Bears DVD, containing 6 episodes of the PBS show. I actually think the show is kind of cute. I have no issues with the show itself. I have issues with the theme song. The first problem is that, as mentioned, the DVD contains 6 episodes, and the theme song plays before each one of them. Couldn't they have skipped this on five out of the six? I think so. Someone didn't agree with me though, so if you watch the whole DVD you get to hear the theme song 6 times. For a good theme song this might be somewhat enjoyable. With this theme song, it is not. It is a country style ditty sung by none other than LeAnne Womack. I'm wondering if she wrote it herself. For her sake I certainly hope she didn't. The tune is catchy, but the lyrics are just plain embarrassing. I actually cringe when I hear one particular portion which says (and I am not making this up) "They're kind of furry around the torso. They're just like people, only more so." What? What? Where to begin...obviously the thing that really baffles me is how a family of bears could be more like people than people. What does that mean? What did the writer think it meant? It baffles and annoys me. I am everlastingly grateful that 1)this is a DVD from the library, not one I purchased, and 2)DVD's are only checked out for only one week instead of two. I don't know how long it will take to undo the damage this song has already inflicted.

One funny note about these shows: CT asks to watch it every day. Yesterday we watched it in the morning. In the afternoon we are having a conversation about people's names (I'm always quizzing him about what his "long name" is - I want him to be prepared for school when the teacher takes role and calls out Christian Brock). CT says "Mom, in that bear show, there is a brother and a sister, but what are their names?" I tell him that those are their names: Brother and Sister. We go over this a couple of times before he is convinced that I am telling the truth and these bears basically have the dumbest names ever. The more I write about all of this, the less cute I'm thinking that show is after all.

Olympic Night

2008-08-14T22:08:00.000-07:00

So it is 12:12 a.m. and I am posing to my blog rather than soundly sleeping. This is because of two things:

1)C.T. wet his bed and I just finished tucking him in again after the whole sheet changing/pajama changing episode. Luckily this is a very rare occurrence for him.

2) I was watching the Women's Gymnastics All-Around finals of the Olympics. I was so invested in it that when C.T. came running out of his room I just scooped him up and held him until the competition ended. It was only at that point that I realized something was a little damp.

The Women's Gymnastic events are so much a part of my Olympic memories. I grew up believing that the Olympics were really something special. Something exciting. Something everyone watched. Later I realized not everyone watched, nor did everyone feel the Olympics were special or exciting, but still, my regard for them lingers...even as Gold medals are stripped for doping violations from years past.

I vividly remember the 1984 games in Los Angeles. I guess because it was actually on this continent they showed the events all day. I watched a lot of track and field. When Mary Lou Retton had her big moments, I was there for her. Back to back perfect 10's on the vault. That was great. (By the way - when did they change the scoring of gymnastics? I completely missed that transition.) I remember all of the commercials she was in after the games too.

An American girl won tonight, but somehow I doubt ad agencies are going to be knocking at her door with the same fervor. It is obvious that some of the Olympic Magic is gone from the world since Nadia and Mary Lou held the stage. This year's gymnasts probably wont get an enormously popular melody named after them. Still, I wanted to experience again some of the thrilling anticipation I used to feel during the Olympics. I'd say I got into the spirit of it pretty well - after all,I stayed up until midnight and held a urine soaked boy on my lap for fifteen minutes without realizing it. The Olympic Magic is not all gone for me yet...although I admit to not being as excited about this Michael Phelps as I could be. Enough already with the winning and the gold medals and world records. Isn't it someone else's turn? He's just starting to look like a medal hog, don't you think? Did you see the little piece they did on him where they showed that his body is freakishly disproportionate in just the right ways to be an unnaturally good swimmer? I know it really isn't, but it feels like he's cheating with his extra long arms and abnormally short legs. How is anyone supposed to beat that?

Tomorrow, when I am trying to be patient with three very small and energetic children on six hours of sleep (I'm hoping for the best here. Humor me in my delusions that my children will sleep until 6:30) my Olympic Night may not seem worth it, but for now, the dream lives on...

Misty Water-colored Memories

2008-08-03T18:25:00.000-07:00

Here's something gleaned from a friend's blog that I thought was fun:

1. As a comment on my blog, leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot, anything you remember!

2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty funny to see the responses. If you leave a memory about me, I'll assume you're playing the game and I'll come to your blog and leave one about you.

Happy Reminiscing!

C.T. Again

2008-07-13T18:22:00.000-07:00

C.T. and Lily are in the bathroom filling up their water cups. I just overheard C.T. tell Lily "Sometimes I think I'm a genius".

I think he got this from Curious George, but I'm not positive. Sometimes I think he's a crack-up.

Pool Side

2008-07-03T18:26:00.000-07:00

So, a couple of people said they would enjoy seeing more videos. Here is one of the fun in the back yard pool. I just can't get enough of Lily. That girl cracks me up. And she is so cute and tiny!

ERA For Lab Coats

2008-06-24T17:34:00.000-07:00

So Tyler gave me a doctor's white coat as a Christmas present. He is tired of me ruining my clothes every time I paint. I get lulled into this false sense of security that of course a person can paint without getting even the tiniest splatter on their clothes by watching too many redecorating shows on HGTV. I, apparently, can't paint anything, from a small picture frame to an entire wall, without getting paint on my clothes somewhere. I know this about myself, and yet I still feel that changing my entire outfit just to do some quick painting isn't worth it. 15 minutes later I am always thinking how much better it would have been to have just changed my clothes rather than spend the next half hour at the kitchen sink trying to wash paint out of my black capris. Because Tyler knows this about me, he came up with the doctor's coat solution. He figured if I wasn't willing to remove anything, maybe I'd be willing to put something on. I do wear it - sometimes. Usually I put it on over my head - I'm not a fan of needless buttoning and unbuttoning. The other day though I was putting it on and I actually used the buttons for the first time and something struck me. The buttons were on the man's side. Now, I've never quite been sufficiently satisfied with any explanation as to why buttons are placed on alternate sides of men's and women's clothes, but the fact is that they are. I found it -well, a bit offensive actually, that the buttons were on the male side. Perhaps they have doctor's coats in male and female versions and Tyler didn't know this and just got the first one he saw. Somehow I doubt it though. I don't normally consider myself an ardent feminist, but sometimes little things do get me riled up, and truthfully this incident did a little bit. They should just replace the buttons with zippers and the issue would be resolved!(Or use Velcro. What would the world do without Velcro? It's only draw back is the noise. My mom used some super strong Velcro on some activity pages she made for my kids to take to church. Let's just say after one Sunday of repeated "Rrriiippp"s followed by searching glances from everyone in the congregation looking for the offenders they were designated "Not For Church Use".)

Interview with CT

2008-06-18T18:07:00.000-07:00

I interviewed CT last Sunday about his Grandpa (my dad) thinking it would be a fun part of my Father's Day gift to my dad. At the very end CT asks me to sing the song that my dad sang to them every night at bedtime when we were at their house. My dad would do a little dance when he sang it, and CT likes to do it too. Here it is!

HaHaHa

2008-06-18T17:06:00.000-07:00

I found this on another blog so I did it and the results cracked me up, as I'm sure they will you too...it doesn't bode well for the validity of this personality test does it?

You Are Basil

You are quite popular and loved by most people.

You have a mild temperament, but your style is definitely distinctive.

You are sweet, attractive, and you often smell good.

What Spice Are You?

The Pool is The Place

2008-06-17T17:18:00.000-07:00

I bought the kids a fairly large blow up pool for the back yard this year. I figured thirty dollars was worth many minutes of happy distraction for CT and Lily. CT loves it. Lily stays in for about ten minutes, then she's done and wants to get dressed and have a snack. Amelia hasn't been in yet - too much crazy splashing and "dives" going on, but she really enjoys watching from the sidelines. So do I.

Yes, I'm a Ghostwriter...

2008-06-12T17:43:00.000-07:00

*A pre-emptory explanation: Any of you who did not live in the Chino/Upland/Rancho Cucamonga area of California any time between the years of 2000-2007 will not really know what or who I am talking about in this post. To all of you I say - I am sorry. Sorry that this post will not be interesting to you, and sorry that you didn't experience the great times that were had by all in that golden age of kindred spirits.

I keep waiting for Gina to post something on the family blog all about her wonderful visit with me. Accompanied by, of course, a photo of the two of us doing my patented picture pose. Apparently I am waiting in vain...that pesky detail of us not actually being blood relations may have kept me from making the cut on the family blog. This being said, I have decided to write her post for her. So, here is Gina's account of our visit as written by me:

Wow! We had a super busy mother's-day-weekend, but it was also super fun! It was great to have a day to appreciate our moms. Another highlight of the weekend was getting to visit with Wendy and to see her three adorable kids. CT is so big! Lily is so cute! And Amelia is everything a Gerber baby should be. I was also happy to be able to introduce Chris to Wendy's parents. You know if Wendy stopped being our friend (which we know she wouldn't - who could?)we would still be friends with Bi and Suz...and Teri, our best friend from Wendy's wedding. I think Chris got a taste of why we enjoy them all so much, so I'm glad about that. Wendy and Chris and I went out to dinner and just chatted our time away. Chris was worried that all Wendy would want to talk about was a bunch of girl talk, but I assured him that Wendy was much more broad in her interests, conversational skills, and general knowledge to limit herself to one theme. We did, however, manage to talk about each of you. On the drive home Chris and I agreed that the trip to Logan had definitely been worth it. I'm so glad Wendy and I had a chance to visit in person! We should all do it. What's the status of that Round Robin Reunion again?

Sincerely,

Gina (a.k.a. Wendy the Ghostwriter)

Time Flies

2008-06-10T17:36:00.000-07:00

I am not a conscientious blogger. That, I'm sure, is abundantly clear to all of you. I honestly can't imagine that anyone really cares...but then I get so much pleasure from reading your blogs that I have to assume some of you would actually like it if I wrote more often.

You may know that I spent nearly the entire month of May in Logan at my parents house with the kids while Tyler was off in India training the people who are taking over the jobs of all the people who recently got laid off at Citigroup.

It was a good visit. The kids were spoiled, obviously. Now that we are back people keep saying things like, "You guys were gone for a long time. Aren't you glad to be back?". People seem a little taken aback when I reply "No, not really". I don't understand their surprise. I mean, sure, I like it much more when our whole family is together and Tyler comes home at night, but now that we're back he's still traveling for work. He's in Baltimore this week and next, so basically I'm just on my own here. It was great having two full time nannies at my disposal. I also feel like it's really important for my children to develop meaningful relationships with other people - for them to know that there is a wide circle of people to love and from whom to receive love. C.T. is at an age when his memories may actually remain with him for life, so I am happy that he's had this experience with his grandparents to hopefully remember.

I made a slideshow for Tyler that I e-mailed him while we were in Utah of things the kids were up to. I'll have to e-mail it out because I can't figure out how to get it to link on this post. Then you can all say how big the kids are getting. It's true. I know it won't happen for 8 more months, but just the thought that C.T. will be FOUR on his next birthday seems absolutely crazy to me.

Confession

2008-05-16T15:33:00.000-07:00

I have something to say that I know many of you will not like. Here it is: I do not enjoy the television show The Office. I have watched possibly two full episodes and portions of several others, among them the big season finale of the show last night. I understand the point of the show. I know what they are going for. Frankly, I just think there is too much (call me a prude) inappropriate material on the show. And the ineptness of nearly all of the characters is really annoying. It's all too much for me. Trying too hard to be different. There are moments that are truly entertaining, but they are too few for me to devote whole half hours to it on a regular basis.

Maybe some of you like it for the same reason I enjoy watching "John and Kate Plus Eight" sometimes. Tyler always asks "Why do you want to watch a show about a house full of crazy kids and parents feeling overwhelmed when you live that everyday?" And the answer is, "Because it makes me feel better to see other people feeling overwhelmed and seeing other children breaking down. It makes me feel not as alone in the world". So, those of you who are office bound could feel the same way. Perhaps to you the sight of all of the completely incompetent characters on that show makes you feel better about your work lives filled with incompetent co-workers. Those of you who don't work in an office, I have no justification for.

There. Now you know. Are we all still friends?

Read This

2008-05-05T19:25:00.001-07:00

First, hello to my new readers who have found me through the magic of the internet. It's good to hear from you!

Now, on to my subject for the day...

I've been thinking a lot about reading lately, because it's something that I really enjoy and don't get to do too much of. Some days I feel that I will burst if I don't get to fill my head with someone else's ideas and I scan my shelves for a book - any book- that I have read fewer than three times. You see, I'm a re-reader. I have read some books more than twenty times each. I use reading in much the same way I used to use music - to invoke a mood, a feeling, to bring me back to a good place. I'll read a favorite passage here, a funny scene there, and feel better about life. But, as much as I like re-reading, there are moments when I yearn for something not as familiar. Since I rarely peruse the library these days I'm stuck with my limited at-home library. The other day I picked up a book I haven't read for a couple years and read it over again. It was fantastic. I remember thinking it was good, but it was better than I remembered it.

It's a book my friend Mendy sent to me some years back. One year we exchanged books for our birthdays I think. (Side note: No one is to feel offended if they have never received a birthday book from me. I'm not proud of it, but I never remember birthdays now and haven't for quite some time. Mendy can attest to the fact that this book is the only birthday present she's ever gotten from me.) I sent her "At Home in Mitford", which is a fabulous curl-up-on-a-rainy-day-for-a-cozy-read book/series, and she sent me "A Woman Of Independent Means", which is a fabulous book. I highly recommend it for all who have not read it, especially Sara as it deals with some husband management issues and wifely concerns that I think are timely, even though it takes place two generations ago.

I'm currently reading a recommendation of Rachel's: L.M. Montgomery's "The Blue Castle". I just got it at the library today (being in Logan I can go places like that by myself. It's super). I can't imagine not having read it, since I thought I had covered all Lucy Maude's territory years ago. This book does seem vaguely familiar, but so far it's new enough to make me wonder if I've read it or not. Either way, it is great. I plan to read several of the books recommended from all of you...as soon as I get the time!

Lily's Big Day

2008-04-21T07:50:00.000-07:00

So, my petite flower turned two in March. She loved being the center of attention, finally. She had a butterfly birthday party with a whole bunch of little friends from our church baby-sitting co-op. She had a great time until present opening, when all the children wanted to play with the toys she had just opened. That led to a lot of pushing and grabbing and crying by all involved.

It was a fun day. The highlight was the play kitchen she got from Grandma and Grandpa. She loves to cook away and then yell out "Dinner time! Dinner time guys!" I wonder where she learned to do that?

Views on VIEW?

2008-04-14T08:20:00.000-07:00

So, did anyone else watch "A Room With A View" on PBS last night? I was excited about seeing a new version, but quickly became disenchanted in the opening segment when I realized the filmmakers had done what they are so fond of doing and altered the story arbitrarily. I cannot stand it when they do this! Why do they always feel compelled to add war sub-plots where none were ever intended (need I mention the debacle that was the final installment of the Anne of Green Gables movies)? Not only do I love the Merchant-Ivory film version of this story, I have also read the book, and this whole World War I caveat is not even alluded to by E.M. Forester. And the way they ended it with her and the carriage driver was just plain ridiculous. Frankly, I felt affronted by their assumption of my gullibility. Why do they think this contrived and false-feeling ending, that they may have assumed was somewhat "happy", is any more worthy than just leaving it at the other "happy" ending supplied by the original author? I also thought their overt references to class multiple times were unnecessary additions to the original plot. I like the way in the book and the REAL movie that the Emersons are just wacky, happy-go-lucky intellectuals instead of lower class untouchables. Also, there is no doubt that George is much more dreamy looking in the original film. And Daniel Day Lewis makes a much more hilarious Cecil than this chain smoking, overcoat wearing blondie. Who did he remind me of? I can't put my finger on it, but maybe you can. This version wasn't without enjoyable moments. The character of Lucy was much more sympathetic and assertive in this version, which I thought was good. And I was glad I didn't have to deal with Freddy's annoying hair in this version.

So, those are my two cents. I'd love to hear yours!

Montage

2008-03-06T18:06:00.000-08:00

OK, so it's not a montage, more a collage, but I enjoy the word montage so much more. CT turned three on Feb. 3rd so I thought I'd post a couple of birthday pictures.

Just to prove he got his 2 year old molars before he turned three...He calls this his "monkey face".

Here's the cake. I'm no Katie, but I do my best.

A couple of weeks age he got invited to go to a day of preschool with the four and five year olds. He was so excited to pack a lunch and wear his backpack!

I can't resist putting in one of my cute girls.

I would add a collection of me in multiple poses, including several close ups, but I'm saving them for self-submission to be a contributor on "What Not To Wear".

So, back to me...

2008-03-03T08:15:00.001-08:00

I haven't been into the computer thing for quite awhile. Today I went and read everyone's blogs for the first time in who knows how long. It's nice to be able to feel like I can "visit" with you whenever I want just by looking at your blogs.

I've been working hard lately on trying to be myself in our ward. I feel like even though we've been here for 10 months no one knows the first thing about my true personality, and that's my fault. Tyler is always so happy when I have one on my "Wendy Moments" and my old self comes through. Last week in Relief Society I made the RS Pres change the lyrics to a little song she had written for our Stake Enrichment activity because it wasn't grammatically correct. A small thing, but it made me feel like I was being true to myself in a strange way.

It is so weird moving to a new place as a family. It is like you had no life before you were a mom. People ask how many kids you have, possibly how long you've been married, and that's about as far as they go in getting to know anything about you as an individual. Oh, they might ask if you scrapbook. It discourages me that this happens. What I find even more baffling is when I ask other people about their life before kids they don't really have much to say. Maybe this is because I got married "late" and I did have a history on my own...one that I am very grateful for the more I get to know other women who didn't have that opportunity. Anyway, I just wish sometimes that so much of who I associated with wasn't based on the fact that we have the kids about the same age, rather than on the fact that we have complimenting personalities or similar outside interests or something. Maybe someday I can get this new role of mother to feel familiar and totally fulfilling, but right now I am still working on it.