Do you want to know how many pictures I took of my children in their Halloween costumes this year? Exactly zero. Zero! Can you believe it? I've always said I'm not a picture taker, but now I know I really meant it. Who misses the costume photo-op? And I really have no excuse because they dressed up twice. My parents even called on Skype to see them in their costumes. You'd think that would have jogged my brain into thinking that a photo might be a good idea as well. Oh well. You'll just have to imagine a five-year old batman and two little ballerinas. The girls wore pink leotards and these really cute, really puffy tutus I got for them.. At one event we went to people kept saying, "Look at the cute princesses". Now, I know there are other versions of princess stories besides Disney's, but still, I have never thought of "puffy tutu" as "princess gown". I guess some people do. I didn't even realize I should have taken pictures until Tyler's mom e-mailed us wanting to see pictures of the kids in their costumes and it dawned on me that we didn't have any. I vow to take a picture next year.
So far Amelia has chosen to be whatever Lily is for Halloween every year of her life. We had two Tinkerbell's, followed by two little witches, and then this year the ballerinas. I hope she knows she really can be something different if she wants to be. Lily and Amelia are kind of in a "twin" phase right now. They want to wear the same outfit all the time, and have their hair done the same way. It is fine with me. I think they look cute dressed alike. And it reminds me of me and my sisters who used to wear "twin" things when we were younger also, even though we were four years apart. Of course, it's a challenge to have them be twins, especially in the hair department. Lily's hair is getting some length to it finally, and Amelia has a curly mop that is not long. Lily thought it was hilarious today that her request of "one rubber band" for their hair ended up as a regular ponytail for her and a little side-sprout of a pigtail for Amelia. That's as close to the same as I could get it.
On a personal note, I feel sad today. I feel stressed out about being in charge of our ward Christmas party with no one to help me. I feel like everyone I know is better at being friendly than I am, and as a result I have fewer friends. This is especially hard for me because I feel like in the past I was a very friendly person and it bothers me that I'm not anymore. Also it is November, and I can't help but remember last November and all the things I was looking forward to then and how I had no idea what was coming in just a few weeks. That's all.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Perchance To Dream
Dear Sleep,
I know we haven't been the best of friends over the years. Especially lately there has been some tension. I don't want to place blame here, but truthfully, I feel like you are never around when I need you.
I realize that there are many times during the day when you try to spend quality time with me and I cut it short, or rebuff you altogether, but it is always with the invitation to come back later. I nearly always reserve a solid eight hours every night just to hang out with you.
I guess turn-about is fair play, huh? I don't let you visit in the day, so you refuse to visit in the night.
Let's work something out, amicably. I really don't want to have to call in the mediator. Her name is Unisom and I hear she usually favors people like me over you. If things get really serious I can call a guy I know who has a friend named Ambien. This is not a threat. I'm just saying...I'd really like to spend more time with you. During the night. Tonight would be good for me. See you then?
Sincerely,
Me
I know we haven't been the best of friends over the years. Especially lately there has been some tension. I don't want to place blame here, but truthfully, I feel like you are never around when I need you.
I realize that there are many times during the day when you try to spend quality time with me and I cut it short, or rebuff you altogether, but it is always with the invitation to come back later. I nearly always reserve a solid eight hours every night just to hang out with you.
I guess turn-about is fair play, huh? I don't let you visit in the day, so you refuse to visit in the night.
Let's work something out, amicably. I really don't want to have to call in the mediator. Her name is Unisom and I hear she usually favors people like me over you. If things get really serious I can call a guy I know who has a friend named Ambien. This is not a threat. I'm just saying...I'd really like to spend more time with you. During the night. Tonight would be good for me. See you then?
Sincerely,
Me
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
The Mall
I was watching a bit of the news this morning and on comes a commercial for Macy's Labor Day Sale. Suddenly I am seized by a longing to shop at a mall. I have not shopped at a mall for...years. Seriously. And this is quite something, because it is not an exaggeration to say that when I was a singleton I went to the mall at least once a week for some serious shopping. I mean, I bought things and everything.
I know people will tell you avoiding malls is not unusual. It's just a Kohl's, TJMaxx, Target kind of world now. I don't avoid malls because I don't like them. I avoid them because things cost more there. And I have children. Malls are a terrible place for children. On the one hand, they are very non-child focused. All of those racks of clothes at the perfect height to crawl under and through make it extremely difficult to find children who have discovered them. The whole fine china department right in the middle of everything always tempts them to touch things. So many clothes for moms to look at and try on with nothing but the occasional full length mirror to distract a child. And then, in other ways, they are TOO child friendly. All of those sculpted foam play areas where kids can climb on germ-infested giant-sized snack foods. All of those random islands of candy machines in the middle of walkways. (Which I unashamedly told my children were not really for sale, but merely a creative display to look at.) And worst of all, those areas of coin-operated "rides" where you can pay seventy-five cents to spend one minute being jerkily rocked in a plastic bulldozer.
Yes, I have very good reasons for no longer shopping at malls - but today I wanted to. If you go to the mall today, look for me in Macy's. Maybe I'll leave the littles at home with Tyler (on his birthday! What a treat for him!) and head to the mall. You know, just for old time's sake. I wouldn't have to actually buy anything, right?...
I know people will tell you avoiding malls is not unusual. It's just a Kohl's, TJMaxx, Target kind of world now. I don't avoid malls because I don't like them. I avoid them because things cost more there. And I have children. Malls are a terrible place for children. On the one hand, they are very non-child focused. All of those racks of clothes at the perfect height to crawl under and through make it extremely difficult to find children who have discovered them. The whole fine china department right in the middle of everything always tempts them to touch things. So many clothes for moms to look at and try on with nothing but the occasional full length mirror to distract a child. And then, in other ways, they are TOO child friendly. All of those sculpted foam play areas where kids can climb on germ-infested giant-sized snack foods. All of those random islands of candy machines in the middle of walkways. (Which I unashamedly told my children were not really for sale, but merely a creative display to look at.) And worst of all, those areas of coin-operated "rides" where you can pay seventy-five cents to spend one minute being jerkily rocked in a plastic bulldozer.
Yes, I have very good reasons for no longer shopping at malls - but today I wanted to. If you go to the mall today, look for me in Macy's. Maybe I'll leave the littles at home with Tyler (on his birthday! What a treat for him!) and head to the mall. You know, just for old time's sake. I wouldn't have to actually buy anything, right?...
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Paving The Way
Watching C.T. grow up, I have to tell you that I admire you firsties more and more. I've never really thought much about what it is like to be the oldest child in a family. I've never considered how it would be to always have to do things that you have never seen any other sibling in your family do.
C.T. started kindergarten last week. He absolutely loves it. Still, there was some trepidation leading up to it and riding the bus for the first time was not all smooth sailing (He cried for about 30 seconds, until the doors closed, and then the driver said he was perfectly fine). He has adjusted beautifully and is like a fish in water. Lily cannot wait to join him next year. And I think how lucky she is to be able to start her school years with her brother by her side. She will always have that, and C.T. never will. He will always have to do things first, and alone. I have gained a new appreciation for that role in a family. I have a new respect for all first-borns.
So thanks to my brother for forging the way in our family and taking on so many new experiences. Your example made me think I could do absolutely anything I wanted to - take on any adventure, because you did. And thanks to my sweet C.T. Pumpkin, who is doing the same for his sisters.
C.T. started kindergarten last week. He absolutely loves it. Still, there was some trepidation leading up to it and riding the bus for the first time was not all smooth sailing (He cried for about 30 seconds, until the doors closed, and then the driver said he was perfectly fine). He has adjusted beautifully and is like a fish in water. Lily cannot wait to join him next year. And I think how lucky she is to be able to start her school years with her brother by her side. She will always have that, and C.T. never will. He will always have to do things first, and alone. I have gained a new appreciation for that role in a family. I have a new respect for all first-borns.
So thanks to my brother for forging the way in our family and taking on so many new experiences. Your example made me think I could do absolutely anything I wanted to - take on any adventure, because you did. And thanks to my sweet C.T. Pumpkin, who is doing the same for his sisters.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Reading Woes
What happened to all the good books? I've grown weary of adult literature. I haven't purely enjoyed a book in a long time. I've read lots of books that are well written, that are interesting, that I learn things from, that provoke thinking...but nothing truly engaging, if you know what I mean. Nothing that makes me want to immerse myself in the world of the book the way I felt about stories from my childhood. Is it impossible for a book you read as an adult to stir those same emotions just because we are adults? I hope not. Where oh where is a book that makes me want to discover wild violets in a buffalo wallow on the Dakota Prairie with Laura? To constantly write my thoughts in a notebook and drink a real New York Egg Cream with Harriet? To clomp down Klickitat Street on coffee can stilts with Ramona? To live in a lake front high rise and solve a mystery with Turtle? To belly crawl across the Alaskan tundra hunting for food with Julie?
I've looked for fun and frivolity in adult fiction. I've read Bridget Jones's Diary. I've read the Shopaholic books. I've probably read all of the British chick lit my libraries have to offer. It is fun. But it doesn't make me want to live like those women.
I've looked for community and coziness in adult fiction. I've read the Mitford books and enjoyed them tremendously. But I don't want to live in Mitford.
I've looked for adventure and richness of place in adult literature. I like reading escapist travel books like "A Year in Provence" and "Under the Tuscan Sun", but the authors of those books don't live as characters that come to feel like friends in my mind.
I'm guess I'm just nostalgic. It must be like Meg Ryan's character Kathleen says in "You've Got Mail" - "I started helping my mother here after school when I was six years old. I used to watch her, and it wasn't that she was selling books, it was that she was helping people become whoever they were going to turn out to be. When you read a book as a child it becomes part of your identity in a way that no other reading in your life does."
I am so grateful for the great books I read as a child. So grateful for the funny and smart and sympathetic authors who thought to write them. I'm hopeful it's still possible to find books like that as an adult. My search for new books to call friends continues.
I've looked for fun and frivolity in adult fiction. I've read Bridget Jones's Diary. I've read the Shopaholic books. I've probably read all of the British chick lit my libraries have to offer. It is fun. But it doesn't make me want to live like those women.
I've looked for community and coziness in adult fiction. I've read the Mitford books and enjoyed them tremendously. But I don't want to live in Mitford.
I've looked for adventure and richness of place in adult literature. I like reading escapist travel books like "A Year in Provence" and "Under the Tuscan Sun", but the authors of those books don't live as characters that come to feel like friends in my mind.
I'm guess I'm just nostalgic. It must be like Meg Ryan's character Kathleen says in "You've Got Mail" - "I started helping my mother here after school when I was six years old. I used to watch her, and it wasn't that she was selling books, it was that she was helping people become whoever they were going to turn out to be. When you read a book as a child it becomes part of your identity in a way that no other reading in your life does."
I am so grateful for the great books I read as a child. So grateful for the funny and smart and sympathetic authors who thought to write them. I'm hopeful it's still possible to find books like that as an adult. My search for new books to call friends continues.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
The Lost
I wake up several times a night and have a very hard time going back to sleep. The house is still, quiet, and dark. My mind is not. It is busy, busy, busy, thinking of my Lost One.
I went through a phase not long ago when using the euphemism "lost" to mean "dead" was really offensive to me. I didn't like the implication of "lost". That it somehow meant I "misplaced" her, or in some way was responsible for her death by not paying enough attention to where she was so that she could just wander away and become "lost". I just didn't like it.
Now, with some time, I am able to accept the intention behind the phrase and agree with it's true sentiment. My baby girl is lost to me. I have lost the chance to know her. And it is a lot to lose. I feel it every day. It is so obvious to me, the hole in our family where she is, but isn't. I miss her. I miss her deep in my soul. You may think the missing wouldn't be there since I don't really KNOW her. Which of your children would you not miss having the chance to know? Just pick one. After all, that's all I'm missing. Just one. One is lost.
I went through a phase not long ago when using the euphemism "lost" to mean "dead" was really offensive to me. I didn't like the implication of "lost". That it somehow meant I "misplaced" her, or in some way was responsible for her death by not paying enough attention to where she was so that she could just wander away and become "lost". I just didn't like it.
Now, with some time, I am able to accept the intention behind the phrase and agree with it's true sentiment. My baby girl is lost to me. I have lost the chance to know her. And it is a lot to lose. I feel it every day. It is so obvious to me, the hole in our family where she is, but isn't. I miss her. I miss her deep in my soul. You may think the missing wouldn't be there since I don't really KNOW her. Which of your children would you not miss having the chance to know? Just pick one. After all, that's all I'm missing. Just one. One is lost.
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