Oh Boy.

So many of you have probably heard that we are hoping for a baby boy in a few months.  The due date is April 1st.  I have a hard time just saying "We're having a baby in 4 months", because I know that's not a guarantee.  I find myself saying "We hope to" or "We are expecting to".  Just a small things that has changed for me. 

Anyway, we just found out this week that the baby is a a boy.  I think that's good.  We have wanted another boy.  And I think a boy baby will be a bit easier to bear...a bit less of people assuming he is a "replacement" for our baby girl. 

Last fall, we were confident that we wouldn't be needing CT's old outgrown clothes that I had been saving his whole life.  So we sold A LOT of them at our neighborhood's annual fall garage sale.  The remainder were given away.   I thought that I had saved his newborn things from the great sale and give-away, but Tyler told me yesterday that I didn't.  I don't remember that, but I sure can't find those two bins of clothes, so he must be right.  So, at this moment I am feeling a bit stressed out.  I have not one thing for a baby boy.  No jammies, no socks, no onsies, no pants and shirts and shorts and jackets.  And it's such a bummer because I had SO MUCH of all of that.  I kept it for 5 years!  And now I don't have it when I need it.  So ironic.  Tyler is even sad.  He told me it would have been fun to see a new baby wearing the same things we have memories of C.T. in.  I guess some people would say this is a lucky baby...no hand-me-downs from his big brother!  But in a weird way it is just one more thing that reminds me of how terribly our life changed last November and how that has affected every part of our lives in ways that maybe aren't so obvious. 

A Different Story

Yesterday someone told me a story about another woman who lost her baby.  Her point in telling me the story was just to say that she never had any experiences with people losing babies, and now she knows tow people in a year who have lost a baby.  The thing is that the story she told me stirred up some emotions that are one of the worst parts of this whole experience.  Her story was that a woman she knows caught a very serious virus that sent her into premature labor at only 20 weeks.  they couldn't stop the labor, so the baby was born and lived for 12 hours.  I do not mean to take away from this woman's pain in any way, but hearing this story made me feel two very powerful and unpleasant emotions: anger and jealousy.  I was 26 weeks pregnant when my baby died.  My baby's chances of survival being born at that stage were over 85%.  Her baby was only 20 weeks and  LIVED for 12 hours.  She gets a birth certificate and a death certificate.  She gets to have her baby on the records of the church.  There is no question about whether or not she REALLY had a baby, or if that baby "counts" as part of her family.  There is no uncertainty on the part of family or friends about if her experience really counts as a real member of the family dying.  And those circumstances made me so envious.  So jealous of those twelve hours that changed everything for her, whether she realizes it or not. 

They Really Did Dress Up

Do you want to know how many pictures I took of my children in their Halloween costumes this year?  Exactly zero.  Zero!  Can you believe it?  I've always said I'm not a picture taker, but now I know I really meant it.  Who misses the costume photo-op?  And I really have no excuse because they dressed up twice.  My parents even called on Skype to see them in their costumes.  You'd think that would have jogged my brain into thinking that a photo might be a good idea as well.  Oh well.  You'll just have to imagine a five-year old batman and two little ballerinas.  The girls wore pink leotards and these really cute, really puffy tutus I got for them..  At one event we went to people kept saying, "Look at the cute princesses".  Now, I know there are other versions of princess stories besides Disney's, but still, I have never thought of "puffy tutu" as "princess gown".  I guess some people do.  I didn't even realize I should have taken pictures until Tyler's mom e-mailed us wanting to see pictures of the kids in their costumes and it dawned on me that we didn't have any. I vow to take a picture next year. 

So far Amelia has chosen to be whatever Lily is for Halloween every year of her life.  We had two Tinkerbell's, followed by two little witches, and then this year the ballerinas.  I hope she knows she really can be something different if she wants to be.  Lily and Amelia are kind of in a "twin" phase right now.  They want to wear the same outfit all the time, and have their hair done the same way.  It is fine with me.  I think they look cute dressed alike.  And it reminds me of me and my sisters who used to wear  "twin" things when we were younger also, even though we were four years apart.  Of course, it's a challenge to have them be twins, especially in the hair department.  Lily's hair is getting some length to it finally, and Amelia has a curly mop that is not long.  Lily thought it was hilarious today that her request of "one rubber band" for their hair ended up as a regular ponytail for her and a little side-sprout of a pigtail for Amelia.  That's as close to the same as I could get it.

On a personal note, I feel sad today.  I feel stressed out about being in charge of our ward Christmas party with no one to help me.  I feel like everyone I know is better at being friendly than I am, and as a result I have fewer friends.  This is especially hard for me because I feel like in the past I was a very friendly person and it bothers me that I'm not anymore.  Also it is November, and I can't help but remember last November and all the things I was looking forward to then and how I had no idea what was coming in just a few weeks.  That's all.