Something Every Day

I just went in the spare room to help CT find something and I saw a little book I had gotten for Amelia for her birthday that I forgot about. It is called "I'm A Big Sister". When will there be a day when I don't cry so many times? C.T. said to me "Mom! Enough of this crying! You don't like crying, remember?". Yes, I do remember. But I don't know what else to do with this sadness.

I Know, I Know

"Losing a baby happens to so many people." " It is actually very common to lose a baby." True. I know that. But see, it's not common for me. And I'm not thinking about losing "a baby". I thinking about this baby. I am sad because I will not know her, not because she was a baby, but because she was her. I am sad to miss out on who she might have been. Truthfully, I am very surprised at how hard this is. I can't imagine this being a real part of my life forever, and yet it is. I keep posting about it because writing about it is so much easier than talking, and then if anyone is interested they can just read this instead of asking me in person. So far this grieving process has been just like everyone says it is. It comes in waves. I'll be fine for a long time and then crash, I'll fall apart. That's why I'm so reluctant to be around people. I don't want to be fine and then suddenly fall apart in groups of people. I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable. It's only been a few days. How will I make it through thousands more? Time heals, right? But time is such a slowpoke.

Update

Well, it's 27 hours after checking in at the hospital yesterday and I just got home. Everything went all right.

The nurse told me that it looks like it was an umbilical cord accident...the cord was wrapped around the baby's neck 4 times and it had a knot in it. She was 1 lb. 8 oz. and 13 inches long. I wanted to see her, so I did. So tiny. A miniature, miniature baby. A cute little nose, just like my other babies...a profile I will remember. Tiny feet with a longer second toe, just like me. I felt sad, of course, but I also felt peaceful seeing her. I'm very glad I did see her. They give a "memory box" with photos and footprints, etc., which I told the nurse I did not want to have. I have her in my mind, I don't a box sitting on a shelf to stumble across at odd times to think about it. I know many people must feel differently about that than I do, since they offer it, but I thought it was kind of weird.

I have learned a lot in the past couple of days though.

Because of how far along I was what I had was technically a stillbirth, not a miscarriage. We had to contact a funeral home and everything because the hospital won't take care of it for you if it is past 20 weeks. That is something we weren't expecting. Fortunately there is a funeral home near the hospital that offers a free option in cases like this. Still, it was an unexpected and stressful addition to the day.

The baby was delivered at about 2 o'clock in the morning. I was all by myself in a dark and quiet room. Tyler was in the car, on his way to the hospital. The nurse was out of the room. It was just me. And it was okay. It was fitting actually, because I'm feeling like so much of this is really a private thing. Just the mother has these feelings. I'm the only one who had any real contact with that baby after all. I don't know if she's mine or not mine now, but I do know that she was, is and always will be Heavenly Father's daughter, and I don't need to worry about her. I know that doesn't mean I won't be sad thinking of what might have been, or even what was for these last six months, but I KNOW that she is fine and I will be fine and life carries on for everyone.

I appreciate people's concern and love for me. I don't really want to talk to people right now, because it is all the same conversation, and it just makes me cry, and I am very tired of crying. My face is very tired of crying. Have you ever cried so much that it actually made you throw-up? It's not pleasant. Then again, nothing about this situation really is. Although, I have felt a deep sense of peace and calm at important moments, and I have felt the concern of great friends and family.

Today is Amelia's birthday, so it's off to do birthday things I go. See, life goes on. Quickly. Ready or not.

Things Change

There's no easy way to say this - I view it kind of like ripping off a band-aid - just get it over with fast. The baby we were expecting in February has died. We found that out for certain this afternoon, but I had a feeling about it yesterday. I knew. I hoped not. But I knew. In fact, I didn't sleep last night. I just sat on the couch trying to feel something - anything, from the baby. A flutter. A turn. Or the lottery of movements, a kick. But nothing.

It is so strange how one month ago at my appointment everything was fine and dandy and today at my appointment she is there, but not alive. I can't describe it. I am at a loss as to what to do with this loss. I know miscarriages are very common. I don't think they are as common at 26 weeks. I was on the home stretch - the last trimester. It is so surreal. Especially the part where I have to go in tomorrow and actually deliver this baby.

I told the kids no new baby will be coming home with us anymore. They had a few questions, and actually it was a good conversation. They are a little wired now though. They know the atmosphere is different and things are Not Normal. Hopefully we all just make it through tomorrow okay.

100 Days

I logged on today and saw that my baby counter was on 100 days. Yay! I had planned to wait until the count was down to 100 days before putting up my little widget, so I wouldn't feel like time was a slow creeper each time I saw it. I can live with 100 days and less. Not that I'm feeling unwell or anything. Most of the time I forget I'm even pregnant. Until I find myself thinking "Why I am so tired? What is wrong with me?" and then I remember. Or when the baby kicks, and I think "What in the world is going on in there? That's not normal." And then I remember there's a baby in there, which isn't normal, but yet is, at the same time.

Still no names for the baby, so don't bother asking. I keep suggesting all the same names I offered up when we were expecting Amelia and surprisingly Tyler keeps not liking them just like last time. Here's a sample of one of our baby name conversations:
W: What do you think of Eve? Did I ask that last time?
T: Yes you did. I still don't think so.
W: Okay. What about Betsy? I know you didn't like it before, but Betsy Brock sounds SO adorable. Surely you like it now, right?
T: No way.
W: Well, do you have any ideas?
T: No, not really.

There you go. We're pretty much at a dead end. The thing that is difficult is that he won't even suggest any more choices of his own. And that I keep suggesting all the same ones. That doesn't help either. So, we'll see. Maybe we'll agree on something, or maybe it will be one of those situations where we say, "okay, you pick this one all by yourself and I'll go along with it.". Probably not. I don't think either one of us are that accommodating. I promise we're not holding out on divulging a name just to be secretive. We really don't know yet. So, it will be a great surprise to us all! Maybe we should let the kids pick. I'll ask them right now what they think.

Here's how the conversation went:
Me: What do you think a good name for the new baby would be?
Lily: I like "Princess".
CT: That's not even a name. You can name them Cinderella or Belle or something. Or you could name her Crocodile!
Lily: That's a boy's name!
CT: Well, it's not taken yet.

So, no help there. It's good entertainment though.

2012

Near my subdivision they put up this big new billboard recently that says "2012: We Were Warned". I had no idea what it was for but now I know it's for this new movie coming out next month. Before I knew that, however, I kept thinking of all the things to which it could be referring. The one that kept coming to mind again and again is this one: my 20th high school reunion. That's right. In 2012 it will have been 20 years since I left the hallowed halls of good old LHS. I had casually entertained the idea of what it would be like to go to the 20th reunion - I haven't been to any others-but after considering that billboard I think it has a good message about that possibility. I was warned. A 20th high school reunion is not a good idea unless I am looking for material for yet another cliche in a movie scene or television show. Besides, with the advent of Facebook, I already know what many of these former classmates of mine are up to on a daily basis. And if they aren't photo-shopping all of their photos I even know what they look like doing all kinds of different things. ( I know what their pets look like too. So many photos of the pets.) The need for an in-person high school reunion is negated by social networking sites! Yeah!

In The Middle of the NIght

I know it is silly and superstitious, but I don't like midnight. Last night I couldn't fall asleep so I went downstairs to watch a few episodes of "House Hunters" on the good old DVR. I finally started to feel like sleep was a possibility and glanced at the clock to see that it was past 11:30. I quickly turned out the lights and went upstairs, wanting to be settled for the night before midnight. I don't like being awake by myself when the clock changes to 12:00. I'm perfectly fine if it's 1 AM. It's just midnight that sometimes really does send little chills down my spine.

Why?

My mind is telling me that in popular lore, midnight is considered the starting point for all evil creatures to begin their mischievous schemes. However, I can't think of a specific example from a book or anything to back this up right now. Can you? (My lack of examples probably shouldn't surprise me. My familiarity with the whole scary/haunted/psycho filled genre of books and movies is limited to childhood picture books about Casper and other friendly Halloween characters, reading the book "Carrie" in high school and seeing the movie on TNT, and watching "The Changeling" in my high school psychology class. Why did we spend two days of class watching "The Changeling"? I have no idea. All I know is it scared the dickens out of me and interrupted my peace of mind for months. Oh, I also watched the Hitchcock classic "Psycho" with my college roommates. That really is about it for me and intentionally scary things. Unless you count the Scooby Doo DVD that CT checked out of the library a few months ago.)

I also always associate midnight with the phrase "the witching hour", but again, I don't know if I made that association up or if it is legitimate. Whatever the case, I was relieved to be safely snuggled in my bed before the clock chimed (or, to be more accurate, digitally flashed) 12 last night.