I don't know anything about you really.
I don't love you for your personality, or your looks, or your attitude. I don't know any of those things about you. I love you because you were mine.
Someday I hope to know all of those other things about you. To know if you are incredibly observant like C.T., packed with spunk like Lily, or caring and affectionate like Amelia. To see again that sweet little body - the face with the nose that reminds me of your sister Lily and the toes that looked like mine.
But for now, you were mine and I was yours and that is enough to make me love you for the rest of my life (and longer).
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Back in the winter of 2006 I had a very clear message put into my mind to have another baby. Right away. And so we did. And we got this girl:
She has been a joy to me in a unique way.
When she was still a baby I started following some blogs written by women who had recently had small children die. I was drawn to these blogs...I cried reading them and would think about what these women were going through and wonder why I was so compelled to check in on them. I started to get quite worried that the reason I felt drawn to these stories is because something was going to happen to my Amelia - that I would lose her. It was a very real fear and I felt anxiety about it. Once she reached about 18 months those fears receded and I no longer felt that way.
Now it turns out that the fears I had about losing my girl were real, but misplaced. I was worrying about the wrong girl.
I have often reflected lately on that feeling I had to "have another baby, right now" and wondered if I got that prompting so that Amelia would be here with me now as I go through my struggle. Since she was born the song I sing most to her is "You Are My Sunshine". That is very true of her. She lightens me when all my skies are gray. She brings me immense comfort. She is a joy.
Her birthday is the same day I had her little sister. Those two girls will always be linked in my mind. There is much that they share. I can't help but think how lucky the each would have been to be able to grow up with one another as sisters.
People talk about finding comfort in the possibility of raising children who have died in the millennium, but honestly, I don't feel that comforted. Even if it turns out to be true for me, my children will not be able to grow up together. C.T. and Lily and Amelia wont be able to have memories of her as children together.
Lily is almost exactly the same age as I was when my little sister was born. I remember so much about when Sally was a baby. I remember "helping" to take care of a baby. Lily would have been so great at that. So great. She would have loved it so much. This would have the been the only sibling she remembered as a baby. Same for C.T. for that matter. This wold have been the one they actually remembered. I am sad about the opportunity they have lost. The opportunity we all have lost.
I think Amelia has brought great comfort to C.T. and Lily also. She is kind of our family mascot right now. I don't know all the reasons why I felt I should "have a baby, right now", but I'm so glad I did. I know Amelia is meant to be with us, and we are all so, so grateful.
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