Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Words

A simple question like "how are you?" is so much harder to answer now. I want to be truthful. The answers I have been using don't feel all that truthful. I say:
"Fine" (That is not really true)
"Okay" (Not really true either)

So, what is true? In my search for words I find some to be more fitting than others. In those first few days the only word I could think of to answer this question that sounded true was "heartbroken".

These days I think of the word "bereft". It makes me think of "adrift", which is accurate too.

Of course, there is always "sad", which is more often than not true. I still cry at least twice a day, but it is not always as intense as it was in the beginning.

Even though I don't really know how to answer the "how are you?" question, I would still appreciate being asked by someone who was willing to get the real answer. I feel like when people ask me this, they are just waiting for the "fine" or the "okay". They don't really want to get into it. Most people don't ask me anything at all. In fact, most people don't talk to me at all. Or, if they do, it is a brief conversation about something else with a total avoidance of the most obvious topic. It hurts my feelings to have people talk to me without ever saying anything about this situation. It is painful to have people pretend like nothing ever happened - because something happened. Something big happened. When they ignore that, it feels like they are marginalizing the whole experience and its implications to my future. It feels so lonely, and frankly makes me feel angry. If I know someone has experienced a major loss I hope I won't go on as normal around them, acting like nothing happened and assuming that they can carry on life as usual. There is no life as usual for me anymore. I feel as if I have changed forever, and I don't know what the new me is like at all. I just know I don't want to be the same. In some way, not being normal is the only way I can acknowledge my baby who is not with us. No one else seems to want to acknowledge it, so it is left to me to act differently, to change, to show the world outwardly that I am no longer the same inside because if I don't they will never remember. They will never realize that she was here, and now she's gone, and it is so very real to me.

4 comments:

Lara said...

While I have obviously not experienced such a loss, I have other friends that have, and they all say similar things to what you are saying here.

I wish more people understood how really huge something like this is. I wish more people would find it in themselves to be there for those who experience these things.

Hugs and prayers to you.

Rachel said...

As someone who never ever knows what to say in situations like these, and as someone who is only good for crying and hugging when tragedy strikes, I can understand why some people don't speak up. But I do always try to ask, even though I feel very awkward, and then proceed to cry and hug.

Maybe people do have a sense of how huge this is and don't quite know how to vocalize it. And maybe them asking how you're doing really is an invitation to open up.

I wish I were there to cry with you and give you a hug.

Gina said...

I'm the person who said to the lady who had just lost a sister in law "You look fabulous." Even though it is weird to talk about "the situation" when it presents itself, it is necessary. I guess I can only pray that the person to whom I offended by such uncouth comments forgives me. Meanwhile, I will keep speaking up. Consider yourself hugged by a group of robins.

Amanda said...

I love Gina's sentiment of being hugged by a bunch of robins!!! I wish I was an artist, I would paint/draw that for you!