I am giving myself an early Christmas gift. I am giving myself permission to feel whatever comes and then LET IT GO.
That may involve writing about it. Between this blog and my journal I have saved hundreds of dollars in counseling fees.
So, what I'm saying is, I may write about things that are making me sad or mad at that moment, but I'm writing it to let it out - to not have to hold on to it anymore. That includes my recent feeling of thinking that no one is my friend. I'm letting that go. It is a very real feeling, but it does me no good to hold on to it. So I've decided to assume that everyone is really my friend and would talk to me if they knew how and just move on. The end.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Words
A simple question like "how are you?" is so much harder to answer now. I want to be truthful. The answers I have been using don't feel all that truthful. I say:
"Fine" (That is not really true)
"Okay" (Not really true either)
So, what is true? In my search for words I find some to be more fitting than others. In those first few days the only word I could think of to answer this question that sounded true was "heartbroken".
These days I think of the word "bereft". It makes me think of "adrift", which is accurate too.
Of course, there is always "sad", which is more often than not true. I still cry at least twice a day, but it is not always as intense as it was in the beginning.
Even though I don't really know how to answer the "how are you?" question, I would still appreciate being asked by someone who was willing to get the real answer. I feel like when people ask me this, they are just waiting for the "fine" or the "okay". They don't really want to get into it. Most people don't ask me anything at all. In fact, most people don't talk to me at all. Or, if they do, it is a brief conversation about something else with a total avoidance of the most obvious topic. It hurts my feelings to have people talk to me without ever saying anything about this situation. It is painful to have people pretend like nothing ever happened - because something happened. Something big happened. When they ignore that, it feels like they are marginalizing the whole experience and its implications to my future. It feels so lonely, and frankly makes me feel angry. If I know someone has experienced a major loss I hope I won't go on as normal around them, acting like nothing happened and assuming that they can carry on life as usual. There is no life as usual for me anymore. I feel as if I have changed forever, and I don't know what the new me is like at all. I just know I don't want to be the same. In some way, not being normal is the only way I can acknowledge my baby who is not with us. No one else seems to want to acknowledge it, so it is left to me to act differently, to change, to show the world outwardly that I am no longer the same inside because if I don't they will never remember. They will never realize that she was here, and now she's gone, and it is so very real to me.
"Fine" (That is not really true)
"Okay" (Not really true either)
So, what is true? In my search for words I find some to be more fitting than others. In those first few days the only word I could think of to answer this question that sounded true was "heartbroken".
These days I think of the word "bereft". It makes me think of "adrift", which is accurate too.
Of course, there is always "sad", which is more often than not true. I still cry at least twice a day, but it is not always as intense as it was in the beginning.
Even though I don't really know how to answer the "how are you?" question, I would still appreciate being asked by someone who was willing to get the real answer. I feel like when people ask me this, they are just waiting for the "fine" or the "okay". They don't really want to get into it. Most people don't ask me anything at all. In fact, most people don't talk to me at all. Or, if they do, it is a brief conversation about something else with a total avoidance of the most obvious topic. It hurts my feelings to have people talk to me without ever saying anything about this situation. It is painful to have people pretend like nothing ever happened - because something happened. Something big happened. When they ignore that, it feels like they are marginalizing the whole experience and its implications to my future. It feels so lonely, and frankly makes me feel angry. If I know someone has experienced a major loss I hope I won't go on as normal around them, acting like nothing happened and assuming that they can carry on life as usual. There is no life as usual for me anymore. I feel as if I have changed forever, and I don't know what the new me is like at all. I just know I don't want to be the same. In some way, not being normal is the only way I can acknowledge my baby who is not with us. No one else seems to want to acknowledge it, so it is left to me to act differently, to change, to show the world outwardly that I am no longer the same inside because if I don't they will never remember. They will never realize that she was here, and now she's gone, and it is so very real to me.
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