Wednesday, March 3, 2010

You Can't Win

I've always like poems.  I have no talent at writing them, but almost everyone else in the world seems to be able to.  There are a lot of poems circulating around the stillbirth support groups.  I read this one the other day and just thought to myself "Yes!  That is EXACTLY it." If you want some insight into the mind and heart of me right now, here it is:

You Can't Win With Me
You can't win with me
If you say to me " How are you doing?" with such sympathy and meaning in your voice.
I reply "I'm fine" and brush you off,
because to talk about my loss with you today is just too painful.

If you see me and don't mention the loss that is consuming my thoughts,
I think you don't care enough, or are too scared to mention it
for fear that you might upset me.
You can't win with me.
If you say "I'm sorry your baby died," it is hard for me to reply to that.
What do you expect me to say?
I want to say "I'm sorry too!" or "It's awful"
I want to scream "its not fair"
But I won't because I don't want to upset myself today, not in front of you.
So I reply "Thank-you".
That thanks means so much more than that.
It means thanks for caring,
thanks for trying to help,
thanks for realising that I'm still in pain.
If you don't know what to say to me that's okay because I don't know
what to say to you either.
If you see me smile or laugh don't assume I must have
forgotten my baby for the moment,
I haven't, I can't, I never will.
Tell me that I look good today.
I will know what you mean
I'm getting good at picking up unspoken cues from you.
If you see me and think I look upset or sad, you are probably right.
Today might be an anniversary day for me,
or some event might have triggered
a wave of grief in me.
If you don't say anything I'll think you don't care about me,
but if you do say something, I might act like I don't want to talk about it..
You could try asking if I want to talk, but don't be surprised if I say no.
You can't win with me.
Don't give up on me, please don't give up.
I need your attempts however feeble, however trite you might feel they are
I need your thoughts.
I need your prayers.
I need your love.
I need your persistence.
I need all that but most of all I need to be treated normally,
like it used to be before all this happened.

But I know its impossible.
That carefree, naive person is gone forever,
and I am mourning that loss too.
So you can't win with me.
Written by Jane Warland 1996


Texas Flanagan's said...

She did a very good job of putting her feelings into words. No doubt expressing the feelings of so many who feel the same way. I'm here Wendy. I do think of you. Please let me know if there is anything I can ever do for you, please. You are not alone, even though it feels that way.

Rowdy Family said...

Oh Wendy. I stumbled upon your blog for the first time today. I am learning so much. Sorry if I am awkward sometimes. If this poem is you then hopefully you know that I care about you and pray for you and your family. I cannot even comprehend what you are going through, but I am trying to. I hope you have a good week. Hopefully next week we can connect. heart, Celeste

Sara said...

Wendy, my heart just aches for you. I wish I could know exactly how you feel, but this poem says so much. Your blog has been such an insight into your life and I appreciate it. I'm sorry if I've said anything stupid--I know I have. I really am praying for you, care about you. I know you're far away, but I hope that my prayers uplift you, like your prayers have uplifted me.

foxfaced♥ said...

heyy, i write poems, thats kinda my blog ;P follow my blog?