Today is Day 1 of CT's Christmas Break from school. I just finished making my first batch of cookies for today's Christmas baking. All three kids are upstairs. I have no idea what they are doing...I am hearing a lot of screaming, laughing, and loud banging. A big part of me doesn't want to know what it is they are doing...as long as no one is crying and I don't hear glass breaking I like to tell myself that all is well.
I was so looking forward to the holiday season this year. I was ready for that special Christmas feeling and the cozy traditions and twinkling decorations. Now that it is here I'm having a harder time than I anticipated. For some reason this year I am feeling that it is very unfair that I don't live near anyone in my family, nor any really close friends. I just feel the need to be around people who love me, and I feel sad that it just isn't possible. One of the very best parts of Christmas for me has always been that feeling of togetherness, of gathering. I loved it when my older brother and sister would arrive home for Christmas from college, or come with their families from their various cities as we got older. I loved coming home myself as a young adult and seeing old friends and being enveloped by that sense of belonging that a loving home provides. I find myself wishing that I could just be at my parents house, hearing my mom in the kitchen while I sit at the piano playing songs out of our ancient Christmas songbook and glancing over to see snow falling outside. The doorbell would ring and it would be yet another neighbor or friend bringing a little token of friendship for Christmas - sparkling cider or homemade jam or hand dipped chocolates.
There's that saying "You can't go home again" or something like that...that's the reality of things, isn't it? My parents aren't even at their house. My siblings and I don't gather together for holidays. Dear friends are scattered across the country. And I live here, by none of them.
It's not that I don't love being here with my own husband and children and making memories of our own. It's just that this year I really wish I could revisit some of my Christmas memories and find some comfort and peace.
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