Friday, November 20, 2009


Well, it's 27 hours after checking in at the hospital yesterday and I just got home. Everything went all right.

The nurse told me that it looks like it was an umbilical cord accident...the cord was wrapped around the baby's neck 4 times and it had a knot in it. She was 1 lb. 8 oz. and 13 inches long. I wanted to see her, so I did. So tiny. A miniature, miniature baby. A cute little nose, just like my other babies...a profile I will remember. Tiny feet with a longer second toe, just like me. I felt sad, of course, but I also felt peaceful seeing her. I'm very glad I did see her. They give a "memory box" with photos and footprints, etc., which I told the nurse I did not want to have. I have her in my mind, I don't a box sitting on a shelf to stumble across at odd times to think about it. I know many people must feel differently about that than I do, since they offer it, but I thought it was kind of weird.

I have learned a lot in the past couple of days though.

Because of how far along I was what I had was technically a stillbirth, not a miscarriage. We had to contact a funeral home and everything because the hospital won't take care of it for you if it is past 20 weeks. That is something we weren't expecting. Fortunately there is a funeral home near the hospital that offers a free option in cases like this. Still, it was an unexpected and stressful addition to the day.

The baby was delivered at about 2 o'clock in the morning. I was all by myself in a dark and quiet room. Tyler was in the car, on his way to the hospital. The nurse was out of the room. It was just me. And it was okay. It was fitting actually, because I'm feeling like so much of this is really a private thing. Just the mother has these feelings. I'm the only one who had any real contact with that baby after all. I don't know if she's mine or not mine now, but I do know that she was, is and always will be Heavenly Father's daughter, and I don't need to worry about her. I know that doesn't mean I won't be sad thinking of what might have been, or even what was for these last six months, but I KNOW that she is fine and I will be fine and life carries on for everyone.

I appreciate people's concern and love for me. I don't really want to talk to people right now, because it is all the same conversation, and it just makes me cry, and I am very tired of crying. My face is very tired of crying. Have you ever cried so much that it actually made you throw-up? It's not pleasant. Then again, nothing about this situation really is. Although, I have felt a deep sense of peace and calm at important moments, and I have felt the concern of great friends and family.

Today is Amelia's birthday, so it's off to do birthday things I go. See, life goes on. Quickly. Ready or not.

1 comment:

Amanda said...

Love you! Give Amelia a big happy birthday hug!